Wellness In Every Season

Episode 107: Tackle Dating Issues with Lilli Bewley's 13-Step Process

• Autumn Carter/ Lilli Bewley • Season 1 • Episode 107

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Episode 107: Transform Your Dating Experience with Lilli Bewley’s 13-Step Process


In this episode of Wellness in Every Season, host Autumn Carter is joined by the inspiring Lilli Bewley, a dating coach with over a decade of personal development experience. Lilli specializes in helping single, successful women rediscover the joy of dating and find true love, even after challenging life transitions such as divorce. Together, they dive into the transformative journey of healing, self-discovery, and cultivating meaningful relationships.


What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

•Lilli’s personal journey from “just surviving” to thriving in love and purpose.

•How to identify and heal blocks to love, including past wounds and nervous system dysregulation.

•The role of alignment, self-awareness, and inner healing in attracting the right partner.

•The importance of loving the dating process and shifting your mindset for better results.

•A glimpse into Lilli’s 13-step dating process designed to transform your approach to love.

•How Lilli’s Feminine Dating Archetype Quiz can provide insights into your dating patterns and guide your journey to true connection.


Key Highlights:

•Lilli discusses how healing her inner wounds led to healthier relationships and a deeper understanding of herself.

•The concept of the “dating nervous system” and why regulation is essential for clarity and better decision-making in relationships.

•Insights into common dating archetypes, including the “Chill Woman” and the “Fortress Woman,” and how these patterns impact relationships.

•Practical advice on breaking out of cycles of unfulfilling relationships and finding joy in the dating process.

•The connection between personal growth, self-discovery, and relationship success.


Get into Lilli’s World Here:

•Instagram

•TikTok

•Facebook

•Feminine Dating Archetype Quiz


Autumn’s Takeaway:

Dating isn’t just about finding the right person; it’s an opportunity to learn more about yourself, align with your values, and create a fulfilling life. Whether you’re navigating post-divorce dating, overcoming past relationship patterns, or simply looking for a fresh perspective, Lilli’s insights and 13-step process offer a transformative approach to love.


If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit. Together, we can spread the mess

One last thing to cover the show legally. I am a certified life coach giving general advice. So think of this more like a self-help book. This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist. So this podcast shouldn't be taken as a replacement for professional guidance from my doctor therapist. Or any other qualified expert? If you want personal one-on-one coaching for my certified coach. Go to my website, wellness and every season.com. 

For more wellness tips and exclusive content, join my newsletter! Sign up now at wellness-in-every-season.ck.page and receive a free 5-day guide called "Awaken and Unwind: 5 Days to Mastering Moms Life's Mornings and Evenings." Plus, you'll get free guides, special offers on my programs, practical tips, personal stories, and so much more. Don't miss out on these valuable resources designed to help you thrive as a mom and as an individual. Join today and start your journey to wellness in every season!

Episode 107: Transform Your Dating Experience with Lilli Bewley's 13-Step Process

Introduction to Episode 107

Speaker: This is episode 107. 

Speaker 3: Welcome to Wellness in Every Season, the podcast where we explore the rich tapestry of wellness in all of its forms. I'm your host Autumn Carter, a certified life coach turned wellness coach, as well as a certified parenting coach dedicated to empowering others to rediscover their identity in their current season of life.

My goal is to help you thrive both as an individual and as a parent.

Meet Lilli Bewley: Dating Coach Extraordinaire

Speaker: Today I have with me Lilli Bewley she is a dating coach and I'm very excited about this because she works on helping somebody find love and I've worked with different clients doing this and I felt like I couldn't get them as far as I wanted to.

So I'm excited to have somebody who could actually. Bring people the extra mile, the miles that I could not because she specializes in this where I am a wellness coach and a life coach. So I'm very excited to have you on it. She has 10 years experience and personal development. She herself went from just surviving to thriving in love and purpose.

I love that. So well said she is helping single and successful women love dating and find true love. And I know dating can feel like a. Very big chore. So this is a big deal and she is on a mission to educate people on how dating can be fun again after a divorce, even in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond.

This is huge because I know so many people who are either going through a divorce or have been through a divorce. and can feel like the fish in the sea kind of shrunk, so to speak. So it's harder to find people. So she is somebody that we all need to learn from, because if it's not for ourselves, we know somebody else.

Thank you for being on. This is a very big topic, it's very important, and I'm so excited to learn from you. I assume that there is a story behind what led you here, so I'm excited to learn that and have us all come away with tips and tricks and really feeling like we've got this.

 

Speaker 2: Yeah. Thanks, Autumn. Thanks for having me. I'm excited. I know I'm in the right place. So thank you for having me here. 

Speaker: Great. 

Lilli's Personal Journey to Thriving in Love

Speaker: Tell us about your story and what you do. 

Speaker 2: So you're right. I do have a story. Go figure. So I got into this work based off the journey that I've walked through, I went from, it says in the intro surviving just into thriving. And I really was just surviving in life, even though on the outside, I look like I have had everything together.

I had all of the things that everyone told me I should have. I had the bank account and the boyfriend and The body and all of these things. But inside I was really just like dying inside. I was unfulfilled, unhappy. And I got into the relationship side of things because relationships have always been very important to me.

And I didn't really know how important they were. Until I really started to get into this work because I always used to tell myself. Oh, I'm bad at relationships I'm not good at communicating. I'm not good at relationships because I was seeing a pattern in my life of not being Fulfilled not feeling loved not feeling seen not feeling heard not feeling understood in my relationships And when I look back on it, it was You know, I haven't always been this way.

I haven't always been discerning about who is good for me and who is not. I haven't always been really great about speaking up for my needs and wants and desires. I haven't always known what my needs and wants and desires are because of the child.

that I had and the examples that I was given. And so through my healing and my development I went through this process of healing, de shedding, unraveling, unlayering, rewiring, all of these kind of programs inside of myself that Told me that I wasn't good at relationships that I had no worth other than the validation or the affirmation that other people gave to me that I, I wasn't lovable until I was doing things for other people.

So these were like, really deep program things that were inside of me and it put me in bad, really not healthy relationships for me. So it's all based on my story autumn. And then, as I started to. My purpose has always been with this work is to help people get through the crap faster, but faster than I did with less pain than I did.

The Importance of Inner Alignment in Dating

Speaker 2: And so when I started to help women to love the dating process, which is if you're listening and you're dating, you're like, what? The heck, how do you do that? So we can always talk about that, but love the dating process, but also find out who they are in the midst of all of this stuff that they've been through in their lives, right?

Because in order to be a magnetic woman, which is the woman that I aspire to be, and my clients aspire to be, there has to be a resonance inside of yourself in order to attract what you want outside of yourself. Basic manifestation, principle. And so there's a lot of alignment that has to happen inside of us in order to sometimes get the things that we desire that we've never had or experienced in our life.

It's everything really about what's happening on the inside of you. If we can transform, then what we attract on the outside of us is going to be something that we can never really imagine. 

Speaker: I think it's been quite a journey and I love the idea of I went through the hard stuff let me show you the easier path to get there and to get you there faster than I did Dating can be a chore, but it also is this amazing opportunity to learn more about yourself What you do and don't want the triggers that you have that you didn't realize you have And start to align yourself with who do you want in a way that they are the things that you want to become or who do you want that can draw out the good qualities that you want.

in yourself you want more of. It can sound a little selfish, I don't mean it that way, not fully at least, but it was bringing me back to dating and I was finally finding joy in dating when I met my husband. Oh, nice. And it was just having fun and, that is a big deal being able to do that.

So tell us what is your take home message in all of this? That you want people to walk away with. 

Speaker 2: Oh man so many kind of lessons that I've learned what's so interesting about this whole process autumn is that it is a process.

And over time, because I've been doing this work with so many women for so long, it's boiled down to a 13 step process of what's going to happen inside of you. The good news is there's a system, right? The main thing that I would want someone to have an open mind about would be this idea that dating is hard.

I used to tell myself and tell my friends and my family this, constant rhetoric of dating sucks. From the very beginning, all of the clients I work with, adopt this mindset and it helps them get into that energy autumn of curiosity, right?

Of learning, of the, Opportunity to find joy. It's not that dating sucks. It's that your experience with dating sucks. So the question is, how do you change your experience? And there are some definitive things that could happen during your development and transformation process the dating experience, like you experience yourself, it can change. And when that changes, and when you're not holding that energetic kind of burden of, man, this sucks, or they're going to ghost me again, or, I don't know if I should text them this, and all of these things that happen in the dating process, it really transforms.

It's not like I'm like, we're gaslighting the whole, like it's all always sunshine and roses. But that's the first kind of level of entry into this work that I do with myself and my clients. 

Speaker: So much to unpack there. So I think if, and we can use this, even if you're listening, you're like dating, this isn't really resonate with me.

There were so many things that you said that work for any aspect of life. If you are in the mindset of staying curious, things work out better. You are magnetically attracting more negative energy. So if you have work that needs to be done on yourself, then maybe you should take a step back from dating so that you're not attracting the wrong things.

Or, and this can work in anything in life. It can work in trying to attract the right job. However, what is going on inside of you, it definitely reflects more than you realize and it is bringing into play more of those things. Have you ever noticed when you have this area that you're really struggling in and if you try and ignore it, you have trials that come into your life and they keep coming up and they're similar until you finally learn the thing that you need to learn.

So that can happen as well with dating. So I love the idea of stepping back, talking to a coach if you need to, like Lily in particular, and going through these steps. She has a process. Which I am somebody who I thrive with, give me a checklist. Like I like order. 

But the idea of going through a systematic process, and sometimes we need to take that step back to work on ourselves to then show up even stronger and even better and to find the right person.

Sometimes we need to keep doing it, that we're not slowing down and it's the hamster wheel that we're on, the wrong one. Are we not taking time to make sure that we're going in the right direction? I really like what you're talking about with it being a step process.

And, can you give us an idea of what the first two steps are? Just, so we can be primed and ready, so you're getting the ideal client that have already tried doing these things. 

Speaker 2: This actually, it's a good segue into a quiz that I've had that over 4,000 women have taken.

It's called the Feminine Dating Archetype Quiz. And if anyone wants to go take it, like you said, autumn, this isn't just for women that are single and dating, but it's also for women who wanna learn about themselves in the context of a relationship.

A romantic relationship is the. Most triggering, highest, opportunities for learning, that I've ever seen exactly what you're saying on him is everything that's up will continue to be up until it's resolved or healed or, whatever word that you'd like to learn or use.

I invite anyone, to go take the quiz at dating archetype. 

Understanding the Dating Nervous System

Speaker 2: The reason I said that is because the first foundation, the first layer of foundation is all about your dating nervous system you'll know that your nervous system could use a little bit of care.

The chill woman, for example, which is a feminine dating archetype. She is super familiar with overwhelming anxiety in the dating process. She tends to get ghosted a lot and it makes her really anxious. If she doesn't hear back from them, in the span of 24 to 48 hours, there's a lot of anxiety and overwhelming anxiousness happening.

That's our nervous system talking and our nervous system is very wise. And so the first, the first kind of foundational element in this process is learning about, a lot of people know that they have anxiety, but they don't know why, right? what's happening in your nervous system is actually tied to some things that have happened to you in the past.

You can use different words for them, abandonment wound, mother wound, father wound, whatever is happening inside of you that hasn't been healed yet. We look at that together and we start to unravel, okay, this is causing you anxiety, what's, what's going on?

And so we start to do the nervous system healing with that, and that's the foundational aspect because We literally cannot make a good decision on who is right for us and who is not if our nervous system is activated most of the time, like if we're in an anxious state and even I used to be, and I would say like a low key anxious state because my anxiety was about finding validation and finding affirmation.

And there would be before I got into this work and in hindsight that would be what would be driving me. And it was a lower version of anxiety because I was always on the prowl, and that's maybe the goddess woman, the goddess woman she's done a lot of healing on herself, but that nervous system work that she needs to do when she gets in relationship.

She, it's a very push pull type of dynamic, like she's there and she's all about it and then something happens and then she backs away, It's like a roller coaster that happens with her.

So that's the number one thing is the dating nervous system. We always focus on that from the beginning, so we can start to have a regulated, view of what's happening. What's interesting about this work. The way that I see it is you can't read a book, you can't listen to a podcast, and you can't say affirmations in the mirror to really get to the root cause of why your nervous system is activated either at anxiety or hypo, arousal, like depression or something like that.

And so What we want to do is really try to get to a more regulated state so we can be curious, so we can have joy, because we can't have those things and be in a nervous system like a dysregulated state. And so that's why, number one focus is always the dating nervous system. 

Speaker: And how does the dating nervous system show up differently than the nervous system in other aspects of life?

I'm sure there can be more anxiety. You can be a super confident woman or man, and then when you show up in dating, it can be different. 

Speaker 2: What are your thoughts? That brings on the kind of the second half of the process, or like the second half to the three quarters of the process really focuses on inner alignment when I think of that question autumn, I think of your nervous system.

And what tends to happen if we've been through some stuff in the past or even our past relationships, if we've been through some trauma in whatever form is that parts of us start to form inside of ourselves. Yes, exactly.

Parts work. So if anyone has ever dieted that's listening to this podcast and there's one part of you that wants the carrot and one part of you that wants the ice cream, that's actually indicative of different parts of ourselves that is holding a different wound or a different meaning.

Even a different nervous system state. It's kind of mind blowing when you get really into it. So I'm trying to stay high level, But to answer your question, there are a lot of women that I work with who have everything together. The business, the executive career, the manager, the boss, even the mom at home who is like the manager of the universe in her world, but cannot seem to get the dating aspect right.

And so there's something about relationships that's up for her to heal. With regards to her nervous system, with regards to some core wounds that she probably has, with regards to her inner alignment. So instead of being in her head all the time, she can actually, listen to her intuition, speak up for herself or set boundaries or wherever she is in her development.

So that right person that she's looking for can actually show up and come along into her life. 

Client Success Stories and Visualization Techniques

Speaker: So one client that I had in particular, probably one of my favorites, if we're allowed to have favorites, I was realizing the cycle that she had with dating and we ended up going back and we did dream mapping.

What do you really want? What is your ideal look like in your future? And she was able to have the aha moment. she meets a guy of her own choosing. At the end of the night, she is happily married. She was able to have this huge breakthrough and realize The trajectory i'm on does not match what my heart is calling me to What I want in my dream life and we really went into that whole visualization and like really What are you tasting?

What are you smelling? What do you see? What do you feel? What's living inside you during this time in the future? How many children do you have? And she was realizing that she would not want to have children with the person she was dating because of some mental health stuff and other stuff going on that was not being taken care of.

It was just being neglected. And she was realizing that she wanted to actually live here instead of where she was right now, it was really beautiful to watch, and see her just start crying, realizing how far off she was from that, and then at the end, realizing, this is absolutely what I want, and feeling that heartache and that longing.

So I'm curious, do you do any of that type of thing with your clients? It sounds like you use a little bit of a quite different method. 

Speaker 2: Yeah, my methods are based in obviously nervous system, Regulation, inner child internal family systems and poly vagal theory.

Of the work that I do is all intertwined. So those are the methods and it all combined into this process and this framework that I think God was like, do something with this, which is why the dating archetypes.

Quiz happened and then women just started to feel seen and feel heard, with me sharing my story. But then also especially after divorce or multiple kind of quote unquote failed relationships, it's really hard to talk to your friends about it. The same thing that's happening again and again.

So there's a lot of shame that comes up and a lot of unworthiness, a lot of those types of energies come up in that process. And I think, just creating that safe space for us to talk about the real stuff, yes, I made some big mistakes during dating and everybody in the room has probably made big mistakes during dating.

And if you can't be really authentic with your friends and your family, how are you going to be authentic in the dating process? So it's that alchemy of, Being who you are, being seen and heard and understood and love for who you are.

And then it starts to manifest on the outside of us. One of the things that really came up for me with what you said is that when, We have an intention, and there are things that are very clear inside of us, and we walk in that direction, and we take consistent actions towards that direction in alignment with who we are, like things that don't self sabotage us have us self abandon ourselves, really beautiful things happen, and A lot of it starts with being clear about what you want 

So there is a lot of clarity at the beginning. And it's, part of what I do as a coach is really take people through their blind spots, and ask the hard questions, when people are like, I just want to have fun for me as a. Coach knowing that direction is so important and clarity is so important to me.

That's a red flag because if you just want to like, cause I've been there. And when Lily went to go out and have fun, it was not good for her. So it's also defining what do you want? What is your soul want? What is your sole purpose wants? And most of the time, Lisa, the women that I work with, it's, I want a spiritual partnership.

I want a healthy relationship. I want a true partner I want a man that meets me halfway that can support me protect me Hear me love me understand me just for who I am. I want to be able to be messy I don't want to have to be someone that I'm not in order to be loved and so that's the whole beautiful alchemy and blooming that happens inside 

Speaker: So it sounds like they want the deep roots, 

Speaker 2: relationship.

When you were talking, it sounds like you marry a lot of therapy practices and somatics were the two big ones that, yeah, 

my therapist was like, Lily, you should be a therapist.

And I was like, girl, I'm not going back to school. I'm just going to be a coach. So here I am. 

Speaker: And it sounds like it works out because therapy, you can be. In a box a little more as a therapist. I know I interviewed somebody a while back who helps people breakups and she's a therapist. And then she also does coaching along with it because there's some things in the therapy space that don't quite translate over.

Or you can't do, so you need the other. Anyway, so this has been amazing. I'm just looking at the time realizing that we need to start wrapping up. Another thing that came up for me was my mom. So she had tons of relationships, tons of failed ones, and then she decided in the end, okay, I just want to be alone.

Never really doing the work on herself, and it's been really hard to watch. And how different would it have been for someone like her to have found you, especially for me as a child, selfishly. Yeah. It would have been a much different childhood for me if it wasn't this different guy flavor of the month type of thing.

What advice do you have for a woman like that? 

Speaker 2: It's never too late. 

Speaker: going through the carousel. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. 

Speaker: ones. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. It's never too late. I think my most distinguished client is 67.

 

The Fortress Woman and Overcoming Barriers

Speaker 2: And I bet that your mom is or was, the fortress woman, which the fortress woman is also one of the feminine dating archetypes. And it's tough to get out of that fortress woman phase because, The hyper independence is really, a trauma response, right?

if I had a fortress woman in front of me, it would be probably what you experience with your mother, Autumn, which is, I see so much more potential for you than you see for yourself. 

Speaker: And a lot of it was childhood stuff. She didn't have her dad around when she was younger. 

Speaker 2: Right 

Speaker: there it shows how important it is to do the inner child work.

Speaker 2: Yeah. 

Speaker: stuff back here in order to move forward. 

Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely. So if I talk to fortress women, I don't. Try to convince them. I just tell them my story, which is when I was the fortress woman for a good, probably two years.

The fortress woman, has a wall, the size of the great wall of China around her heart. She really doesn't let anyone in, other than maybe superficial things, but no one vulnerable, like vulnerability is really scary for the fortress woman. And I remember when I was a fortress woman, everything was fine on the outside.

I had everything I wasn't struggling in anything else other than in my words. I had everything under control in my romantic relationships, but I remember making a vision board when I was a fortress woman and my vision board was this huge mansion.

and a bunch of animals, like cats and dogs and just me. No partner, no anyone, just me and the animals. Looking back on that part of my life makes me pretty sad because there were parts of me that were so afraid to be vulnerable because I had experienced too much pain in the past, right?

Which is what you're talking about. And so I'm absolutely glad that I moved to the goddess woman stage. And then finally to the magnetic woman stage. Because what the fortress woman didn't realize is that I can have an open heart, which I do today, but I can also be discerning about who I invite in my heart.

I can also speak up for my needs and wants and desires and allow people and invite people To listen. And to understand and to, just to be open to listening to my voice, obviously, you can probably tell what happened, the stuff that happened to me in my childhood based off what I'm saying, right?

Wasn't safe to speak up. Wasn't safe to be who I was. And that's where I went with the fortress woman. It's very hard if the fortress woman is not ready for whatever next step that she's, that's open to her or she's tired of being sick and tired of being alone and finally ready to do her work.

Then I'm here. 

Speaker: That's amazing. 

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Speaker: And it sounds like you have more archetypes than the three that you mentioned. So instead of asking you what they are, tell us again the website so that we can leave a cliffhanger for people. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. I invite any woman to take the feminine dating archetype quiz.

It's at datingarchetype. com. It will help you reveal your blocks to love and help you find your true love match. 

Speaker: Great. is that the best place to get into your world? 

Speaker 2: Yeah. 

Speaker: Perfect. Thank you so much. Thank you for being on. And for those of you, 

It's in the show notes, so no worries there, but thank you so much for being on. I really enjoyed this. It is so fun to see how we can use different modalities that are out there for the things that we need. So architects are not new, but these archetypes are designed specifically for dating.

They're tweaked enough for dating and they work, which is so cool. So if any of you are listening and you're feeling like this isn't science based enough for me, this is a little too woo, there is science. Almost all of this. 

But there's a lot of science here. And where it's a little too woo for you, science is catching up. We do talk about the Law of Attraction does go with science. Archetypes goes with science. She talked about different modalities, healing your past. Coaching can feel a little more woo, and Embrace it, because it's awesome.

And if you know anybody who is struggling through dating, please send this to them. And if somebody did send this to you, don't take it the wrong way. They mean it with love, and they really want what's best for you, and they want you to be happy. That does not mean that you have to find your happiness in somebody else.

But you can find deeper meaning, and it is super important to have the social aspect of your wellness, of the eight dimensions of wellness, really intact, and this is one of them. And I know for me, I've been married for 15 years, and he is still my favorite person. I tell him that fairly regularly. 

But he literally is my favorite person. He is the one that I go to, and when we are struggling within our marriage, it's hard not to talk to him. there's times where I'm even like, Can the husband's side of you just shut off so I can complain about my husband for a second?

And I would love that for each of you guys. It is. So great to have somebody who understands you so fully and can help you when you're struggling explain to you what you're going through just having said in different words sometimes you're you have this moment of just I feel so seen I feel so understood and there's something so special about having your best friend be your soulmate so I wish that upon everybody if you want that check her out thank you so much for being on 

Speaker 2: thanks autumn

Speaker 4: Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode. I am your host Autumn Carter, a certified life coach dedicated to empowering individuals to rediscover their identity, find balance, miss chaos, strengthen relationships and pursue their dreams. My goal is to help people thrive in every aspect of their lives.

I hope today's discussion inspired you and offered valuable insights. Stay engaged with our wellness community by signing up for my newsletter at wellnessineveryseason. com slash free resources. When you join, you'll have the option to receive a five day guide called Awaken and Unwind, five days to mastering your mornings and evenings, along with free guides, special offers on my programs, practical tips, personal stories.

and much more all related to wellness by signing up for both offers on the page. Don't miss out on these valuable resources designed to help you thrive in every area of wellness. Join today and start your journey to wellness in every season. Your shares, subscriptions, and reviews help us reach more people seeking empowerment.

So please spread the word about our podcast and about our newsletter. Thank you for being a part of our podcast community. I look forward to continuing our conversation, sharing stories, and exploring wellness in all of its aspects. Take care until our next episode. You can also work with me one on one or on demand through one of my programs.

By visiting wellness in every season dot com slash programs one last thing to cover the show legally I am a certified life coach giving general advice So think of this this more as a self help book. This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only I am not a licensed therapist So this podcast shouldn't be taken as a replacement for professional guidance from a doctor or therapist If you want personal one on one coaching from a certified life and parenting coach, go to my website, wellnessineveryseason.

com. That's where you can get personalized coaching from me for you. See you in next week's episode.