Wellness In Every Season

Episode 147: Infidelity Recovery

• Autumn Carter/ Roseanne Delaney • Season 1 • Episode 146

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What happens when betrayal shatters the foundation of your marriage—and you’re left wondering if healing is even possible? In this powerful episode, Autumn sits down with Roseanne Delaney, parenting and betrayal coach, to explore her deeply personal journey of recovering from her husband’s decades-long struggle with pornography addiction. Roseanne opens up about the hidden years of gaslighting, the exhaustion of living in constant hypervigilance, and the turning point that led her and her husband to seek real help.

Through honest reflection, Roseanne shares how betrayal trauma affected every area of her life—from her marriage to her parenting—and how therapy, faith, and community support created space for true recovery. She and Autumn talk candidly about the importance of self-work, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to heal even when your partner’s journey looks different from your own.

Roseanne emphasizes that recovery is not just possible but transformative, offering hope to anyone caught in the pain of infidelity, betrayal, or addiction. She reminds us that healing begins inside ourselves, and that with the right tools and support, both individuals and relationships can grow stronger than ever before.

Connect with Roseanne and her husband at liftingrelationship.com or follow their work on social media at @relationships for resources, coaching, and continued support.


For more wellness tips and exclusive content, join my newsletter! Sign up now at https://wellness-in-every-season.kit.com/5-days-to-mastering-mornings-and-evenings receive a free 5-day guide called "Awaken and Unwind: 5 Days to Mastering Life's Mornings and Evenings."

Episode 148: Infidelity Recovery 

[00:00:00] Introduction and Guest Introduction

[00:00:00] Autumn Carter: This is episode 1 48.

[00:00:05] Welcome to Wellness In Every Season, the podcast where we explore the rich tapestry of wellness in all of its forms. I'm your host, autumn Carter, a certified life coach, turn wellness coach, as well as a certified parenting coach dedicated to empowering others to rediscover their identity in their current season of life.

[00:00:24] My goal is to help you thrive, both as an individual and as a parent.

[00:00:28] Today I have with me Roseanne Delaney, who I have become very fast friends with. She is a parenting coach, but that is not what we're talking about today. She has this amazing story. I wish I hit record last time. We just had a conversation to get to know each other because it was, it's.

[00:00:42] A big story. It's amazing. It's been a journey. What we are going to be talking about is pornography and infidelity. So I wanna put that out there first as my disclaimers. She is not somebody to cuss. She is religious like I am.

[00:00:55] Roseanne's Story: Discovering the Addiction

[00:00:55] Autumn Carter: Tell us who you are and your journey, because now you are [00:01:00] a parenting coach and, betrayal, coach, what else do you have under your belt? 

[00:01:08] Roseanne Delaney: It's so fun to be here with you autumn, and it's gonna be really fun to have this conversation with you and with your listeners. I am Roseanne Delaney. I am a mom of four and a grandma to two, and my husband and I have been married for 35 years.

[00:01:27] Autumn Carter: Wow. Congrats. 

[00:01:28] Roseanne Delaney: Thank you. And to say that it was, has been bliss would be completely untrue. And so this is not that kind of Disney. Movie story that all girls grow up hoping and dreaming that they'll have their Prince charming. He is my prince, charming, but in a very different way and through a very different journey.

[00:01:59] [00:02:00] Sean came into our marriage with a secret that he had been keeping from anyone and everyone since about the time he was six or seven years old. He had an addiction to pornography, and back in those days he had to be really creative because there wasn't the internet. Because Sean and I are fossils, we're really old.

[00:02:28] The, internet wasn't even really around, especially in people's homes. And so he would have to go to the local store and steal it, or he would have to find it in a farmer's barn or where the farmer had hid it from his wife or maybe one of his kids. He even tells, situations where he would go to the library and he would go and find [00:03:00] the art manuals or art books where there were nudes and he would look at them there, and we know a lot more about pornography and what it does to our brain and how it can rewire it very much similar to any other type of addiction or compulsive behavior that people have. And so I was not aware about his addiction until we had been married. About two years. I was very naive growing up in a very conservative family and religious culture.

[00:03:43] And honestly, I didn't even know what pornography was or what masturbation was. Any of those words, I had no idea. [00:04:00] And one day our 2-year-old was going through his backpack. We were in college and she pulled out a video and I went to look at it and it was like an X-rated video and I was like, holy crap. What is this doing in your backpack?

[00:04:19] And my two year old's like toddling around with it. And of course I'm mortified and angry and confused. And so when he gets home, I ask him about it. And the gaslighting began, right? I don't know. I don't know how that got into my backpack. Somebody must have just like at school, slipped it into my backpack and all of these things Before long, I didn't know what was true and what wasn't true. 

[00:04:46] The Long Journey of Betrayal and Gaslighting

[00:04:57] Roseanne Delaney: And this was the beginning of a very long period of time where there were discoveries on my part and gaslighting on his part. This went on for 27 years. [00:05:00] And during this 27 years, I lost myself. I, lost my identity through his manipulation.

[00:05:11] His deceit and, his hiding of what he, was doing and consuming. And it had an a tremendous effect on me as well. And over time, we had been to therapists, but. They had not discovered or put a name to Betrayal Trauma. They had not discovered or really knew a lot about how pornography consumption on a very compulsive basis, how it affects the mind and changes the person that you are.

[00:05:53] And so the therapy was not in any way helpful. Number one, [00:06:00] Sean could manipulate and lie to the therapist. Number two, the therapist thought I was crazy, and they were happy to tell me that I was crazy and that I needed to do more, individual work on myself. And in some respects, they were correct. But not in the right way.

[00:06:21] I did need to do work on myself, but not in the way that they thought. And so things just were not very helpful. And it has been now eight years. It will be eight years in November. We were moving my sister and her husband, and we were getting ready to leave and we were in the car, and then my brother-in-law came running out of the house and he is wait Sean, I need your help. Can you come help me? And I'm like, you run and help him. I'll just sit here and wait. So Sean went to help [00:07:00] him. Move their shed really quick, and for some reason I didn't have my phone with me that day, and I don't know why,

[00:07:08] and let's face it I am a little addicted to screen time myself. And so I grabbed his phone to open up Facebook and for me to just scroll Facebook and as I swiped his phone open, there was an image. And I was like, I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting this fight, and I really didn't know what to do.

[00:07:41] If I had known what to do, I would've done it sooner than, at 27 years into our marriage and. So I just, held it in my hand and when he got back in the car I just turned the phone so he could see it and pointed to the image [00:08:00] and he started to do his thing. I don't know how that got on there.

[00:08:03] And I'm like, hold up, dude. We don't have any kids left in our home. Our youngest had gone away to college that fall just a few months sooner. You can't blame this on anybody. Nobody has had your phone but you. I need you to quit lying to me. I'm done with this. 

[00:08:27] The Turning Point: Finding Real Help

[00:08:33] Roseanne Delaney: And the interesting thing is that you introduced earlier that I, am a woman of faith, and it's interesting to me how God.

[00:08:39] Nose and seas all, and he had already started to plant some seeds through other people for me to have the information I needed at that moment. A woman in our neighborhood had approached me a couple of months earlier and shared with me something very similar [00:09:00] to the story I just unfolded to you that had happened within her own marriage and also shared with me that there were new resources.

[00:09:08] But there are therapists now who are called certified Sex Addiction Therapists, and that there's this, trauma called betrayal trauma. And she had given me the number to the therapist her and her husband had been working with in case I might ever need it. And so in that moment, I was able to say to him, to my husband, look you, I'm not gonna let you sit here and lie to me anymore.

[00:09:37] This had to be you. There's no other logical explanation. I'm aware of this resource. Now here's this guy's number. Do with it what you, want to do with it, but what you choose to do with it is going to tell me what my next steps are. Meaning do I stay or do I go? [00:10:00] And I didn't have a lot of hope.

[00:10:04] That he was gonna do anything with this number. So this was on a Saturday, and on Monday my husband called me from work and he said, Hey, I just got off the phone with this therapist who, I'll put a plug in for him. His name is Dr. Adam Moore and you can find him on Instagram and on the internet.

[00:10:23] And he is a certified sex addiction therapist and he is phenomenal along with all the therapists that work in his practice. He said, I just got off the phone with Adam Moore and I talked to him for over an hour and he would like to meet with me, but he also suggested that maybe you come. And I was like, whoa, okay.

[00:10:48] Make the appointment. I'll be there. And I was slightly impressed, like he had done this all on his own. It wasn't me calling the therapist and making an appointment. It was him taking ownership and doing it [00:11:00] on his own without any pressure from me.

[00:11:03] Therapy and Recovery: A New Beginning

[00:11:03] Roseanne Delaney: And so we went to that therapy and it was such a breath of fresh air. So different than other therapy sessions we had been in with therapists that didn't have this new knowledge, this new training and this new understanding of. Sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. And the first thing, the therapist, he said to us, which we did not meet with Adam, we met with one of his other therapists who was amazing as well, and trained by Adam.

[00:11:35] But the first thing he said to me was, Hey Sean, I hope you don't mind, but we're gonna focus on your wife today. And I was like, holy cow. 

[00:11:47] Autumn Carter: I remember you were scared at first 

[00:11:48] Roseanne Delaney: yeah, they totally did. All the other therapists were like, your only job in this is, to be the lie detector.

[00:11:55] You're to sit here and close your eyes and tell me if Sean's lying. And then when I would speak [00:12:00] up and say he's not being honest, they'd tell me I was crazy. And so it was really scary. And it was really like, huh, you're gonna focus on me. You're gonna listen to me. And so with trepidation, we talked and the therapist said what you're experiencing actually has a name and it's called Betrayal Trauma, and you're not actually crazy.

[00:12:26] And I was like, oh, I'm not crazy. This has a name. Okay, maybe we can work with this. And, that began our journey. Now, he also called our clergy on his own, which was something new and met with our clergy which in our religion is a bishop.

[00:12:50] And he had agreed to attend a 12 step addiction recovery meeting, and our church has one. So [00:13:00] I was like, bit by bit, getting more and more impressed with, okay, maybe things are gonna shift and go in a different direction this time, but still very cautious. And so he went off the night after our therapy to this Addiction Recovery 12 step program that our church does.

[00:13:24] And he came home and he was angry. Like I had not seen him angry like that in a very long time. And I said, what happened? Why are you so angry? And he is I'm never gonna get better there. And I'm like, what? What do you mean you're never gonna get better there? Like 12 step meetings are really successful in helping with addiction and he is they don't let me talk about anything that I've been through as far as the type of pornography that I viewed [00:14:00] and like an important part in overcoming an addiction is being able to share.

[00:14:08] What you've done openly and honestly in a safe place. And because of the nature of the topic at that time, our church wasn't allowing them to share those things in that setting. It has since changed. It's been almost a decade. It has since changed. But the good news is, that same.

[00:14:29] Friend and neighbor from our neighborhood had also shared with me a 12 step program for that. Her and her husband had been going called Essay Lifeline and they, it was a, it is a little bit different in the aspect that they had a meeting for the addict and they had a meeting for the betrayed.

[00:14:50] And I wasn't ready to go to the meeting for the Betrayed because I was still in the mindset of, this is your problem, go fix yourself, and then [00:15:00] everything will be okay. I haven't done anything wrong because I'm perfect, right? And there's nothing I need to change about myself. You go change everything about you and get better and come back, and our marriage is going to be like the end of the Disney movie.

[00:15:18] And that isn't the case. And I discovered that a little bit further on in my journey. But he started going to SA Lifeline into the men's meeting. And after that first time he attended the meeting, he came home and he said, I found my tribe I can heal here. Between the therapist and between this 12 step recovery group, I think I can find healing.

[00:15:42] And he went every week. We went to therapy every week. And something interesting about the type of therapy that you do in this type of arena is he did his own therapy. I did my own therapy. And then when the therapist felt like we were ready to start [00:16:00] restoring and rebuilding our relationship we also did.

[00:16:05] Therapy together. So he did his own personal healing. I separately did my own personal healing. And then eventually we came together to work, to restore and to rebuild our marriage. And all along he kept every week going to his 12 step meeting. And about three months later I was like, okay, I'm gonna go check out this meeting because.

[00:16:28] The gal in our neighborhood kept inviting me to go with her, and I finally was like, okay, I'll come check it out. And, really I was scared and I really didn't think that I had any culpability around this issue because his addiction is never, has never and will never be mine to own. That is his.

[00:16:52] But the way I showed up and responded. Along the way [00:17:00] that is mine and the way I showed up and responded so many times was not in a healthy way, and I'm not angry at myself for showing up in unhealthy ways I did show up in ways that kept me going, that helped me protect myself. From the environment that I was in and from all of the craziness that was happening in my world due to my husband having a sexual addiction, and I needed to work on those things and get myself some new tools so that I could show up.

[00:17:40] In my marriage around these situations, which really then trickled into every other aspect of my life. Mothering friendships, work, relationships, every other area of my life where I could show up better. Be a better version of myself. And so I started going [00:18:00] to these meetings as well. So we'd drive about 45 minutes to a building and Sean would go into the men's group and I would go into the women's group in two different rooms in the basement.

[00:18:13] Autumn Carter: And it's still women's group and men's group. 'cause what if the woman has the addiction? 

[00:18:18] Roseanne Delaney: I know that's, a really valid question. And yes, they are still men's and Women's group. But what they have found is that if the woman has an addiction to pornography it's still better for her to come to the women's 

[00:18:33] Autumn Carter: group.

[00:18:35] Roseanne Delaney: Okay. 

[00:18:36] Autumn Carter: Yeah, that would be interesting. 

[00:18:37] Roseanne Delaney: Yeah, and women understand women, and once you start into recovery and you start working on yourself and healing yourself to sit in that space with a woman that's in the same space as your husband with that addiction, you have so much more empathy.

[00:18:57] Because what happens is [00:19:00] almost every woman I've ever encountered in this situation doesn't think they need to do any work. My thinking was not different. Then 99 point some odd percent of all the other women that experienced this was. But what happened is I started working on myself through therapy and through meeting with these women who were all experiencing something very similar to what I was, who all thought they were crazy, just like I did.

[00:19:32] And. We, would be open and honest and vulnerable with each other, sharing the ups and the downs of the last week in this meeting, and we were met with that really stinks. That had to have been so hard. I'm so sad that you had to experience that. And there's something [00:20:00] magical. That happens in a setting where you can safely share all of your crazy with other people and be met with empathy instead of being met with things like that are really well-meaning, but not helpful.

[00:20:27] If you'd just like spice things up in the bedroom. He wouldn't need pornography. So many times people don't know how to respond and so they share these things or maybe if you meet him at the door with the kids, oh, yay, dad's home. Look, dad, he's our king.

[00:20:48] He wasn't my king. I wasn't going to say that he was destroying me. Those types of things aren't helpful, but when you. With a group of people who [00:21:00] understand and say, oh, that really stinks, and I know how hurtful that is, and that's happened to me too. There's magic in that. And so you really need three things.

[00:21:16] The Role of Faith and Community Support

[00:21:16] Roseanne Delaney: Both the addict and the betrayed need really three things understanding of whatever your higher power is for me and my husband, that was our Heavenly Father and our savior, Jesus Christ. For other people, it might be the universe, it might be nature. Whatever your understanding is of your higher power, you need to connect with that and get a real solid relationship with your higher power and put that at the center of your life.

[00:21:50] Because what I learned is for so long I had put my husband at the center of my life because that's where the chaos was. And if I [00:22:00] just tried to focus on every little thing I could do to reduce the chaos, then everything would be okay. 

[00:22:08] Autumn Carter: Because you're not okay. 

[00:22:10] Roseanne Delaney: Because I was not okay. And the only place I was going to get okay was through my higher power.

[00:22:19] And then the second thing you need is a really good therapist. A certified sex addiction therapist and also a really great coach, a certified coach that has training from an ICF school, which is a regulated. School for coaching and preferably one that's been there themselves.

[00:22:52] The school hard knocks is the best teacher. And when you couple that with the principals that [00:23:00] you learn in coaching school, it becomes very powerful that was missing for us. There were not coaches like that for us when we began, and it was a missing piece, and which is why we both found ourselves into different coaching schools five years down the 

[00:23:16] Autumn Carter: You went to different coaching schools? 

[00:23:18] Roseanne Delaney: We did. I, first went into coaching and enrolled in IPEC and did my schooling through them. And after I finished Sean. Decided he wanted to become a certified coach, so he researched a bunch of schools and found a coaching philosophy and, schooling structure that felt more in alignment to him and went through it both our ICF accredited coaching schools.

[00:23:51] Autumn Carter: That's 

[00:23:51] Roseanne Delaney: amazing. Yeah. And in that journey I initially started that journey. Because I thought [00:24:00] and I learned along the way that, you know what, there were a lot of things I didn't learn and internalize and become as a teenage girl while I was dating. There were things that I didn't understand about myself.

[00:24:18] I didn't know what a, good boundary was, like a good, healthy boundary and how to set that, how to set a boundary. Keep a boundary and then most important be okay. Be okay with the fact that I had a boundary and I was gonna set it and I was gonna hold it, and whether the guy wanted to go out with me again or not be okay with that.

[00:24:46] Just lots of things that I feel like I missed in my youth for whatever reason. Hey, instead of battling this from the backside, like after we've already been betrayed, [00:25:00] what can we do to front load it to help these young teenage girls who are developing, who are going into dating in their high school years and into their college years, how can we front load it and help them build all of these tools so hopefully they don't end up in a relationship that's unhealthy from the beginning.

[00:25:21] And so that was my intent from the beginning, which I still do, but there's such a big need also on the backend because pornography is rampant. 90% of men report that pornography has been a problem in their life, 90%. That means if you look to the right, you look to the left, you look to the front.

[00:25:51] Whoever is there has been impacted by someone who has [00:26:00] compulsively consumed pornography and they are suffering from some type of effect from that. 

[00:26:08] Autumn Carter: So what do you say to the ones that are listening to all this and there's not really something wrong with pornography that's just if you have a strong faith.

[00:26:17] And you're feeling like the law of chastity, like that stuff. What do you, say to that group of people? 'cause I know several people like that off the top of my head 

[00:26:27] Roseanne Delaney: We know scientifically the data's out there and they've collected it from every walk of life, even outside of your traditional, like Christianity type ideas.

[00:26:41] And we know that compulsive sexual consumption of pornography or soliciting prostitutes, things of that sort on that line of [00:27:00] betraying. A commitment that you made to someone else that, that you will love them and put them first is detrimental to a marriage.

[00:27:08] There is impact. We also know scientifically that consumption of pornography is unhealthy and that the brain responds to it very similar to a hit of cocaine. It's a drop of dopamine, it's a drug. If it's created within our body, and compulsive use of pornography typically has some other something in your life that is trying to distract you from, I don't wanna have to sit with these feelings of anger, which is very common for men, right?

[00:27:49] Men have been told and trained their whole life. Excuse me. Not anger, but I said that backwards men have been

[00:27:53] their whole lives. 

[00:27:53] Autumn Carter: Wait, 

[00:27:53] Roseanne Delaney: Being angry is okay. 

[00:27:55] Autumn Carter: Internet freaked out during that. I wanna get it right. So say it again. 

[00:27:56] Roseanne Delaney: You betcha. Society, especially Western [00:28:00] society, has trained men for generations to believe that being angry. Is an okay way to show up, an acceptable way to show up, but showing up with vulnerability and emotions and sadness and tears is not manly.

[00:28:22] And so when men have those feelings, it's not okay for them to show up and talk about it. Hey, I'm feeling really embarrassed. About this situation or, Hey, I'm really sad and hurt because my grandpa died and I just need to talk about it and I need to cry. That's not, has not been okay for men, for generations, and pornography especially now is a very inexpensive, [00:29:00] easy way to distract yourself from filling those things.

[00:29:07] It's basically a drug of choice. 

[00:29:10] Autumn Carter: Is that maybe why you had the feelings wheel right above your head? Absolutely mine. 

[00:29:15] Roseanne Delaney: Awesome. We live by the ceilings wheel in our house. There's one here in my office, one in Sean's office, and we have ones like this all over the house. 

[00:29:25] Autumn Carter: I need it because I married the exact opposite of my dad.

[00:29:29] Woo. Dodge Bull with that one, and I did it on purpose and I married young. I don't know how it all came together. W was outta my hand. That's, we know how it came together, but in my dad's side of the family, that's all they would respond to is anger, not vulnerability, not crying's for baby, blah, blah, blah.

[00:29:49] My husband is good about showing vulnerability and I'm the one who struggles to match it still I printed out this wheel for myself. I use it with [00:30:00] coaching too, but it was in therapy sessions when my therapist would say what are you actually feeling? Let me Google it. So it's very nice to print that out for myself.

[00:30:12] And then my somatics coach does the same thing for me, and I found it to be really useful, especially when I coach men. What are you really feeling? Okay, you're saying anger, but if you look at the wheel, this is right across from it. Does that resonate for you at all? And it's been very powerful and it totally makes sense to me.

[00:30:35] I have family members that are highly addicted to pornography. I dated somebody who was very addicted to pornography and I dated him instead of being friends with him because I figured if I was closer to him that I could help him. Bad idea. It just. I became a mess in my own head and anytime he, no [00:31:00] anyway, it just all felt dirty, especially when we were breaking up and he told me that he could not go one day without looking at pornography. I was like, he shouldn't be using me as your way of not doing that. Like we kept things clean. So that's not even where I was trying to go, but just trying to coach him through it without having the tools and realizing I don't wanna be stuck in this lifestyle when I only, I already have close family members that are like this, and I know exactly what it's going to look like if I marry into that know thank you.

[00:31:36] And the next person that I dated, TDA was my husband months later after I'd recovered. But it was amazing just seeing that night and day difference. For me personally and seeing within myself just how much better it felt, how I felt magnetized my husband with the way that he [00:32:00] was unapologetically himself.

[00:32:05] He wasn't trying to have masks on around different people. He would do things for other people on the down low so it wouldn't be advertised

[00:32:15] he's that type of person. Very kind, very giving where when you have an addiction like that, you can't be giving. So it was, it's just been amazing to have this conversation with you and talk about those things. And I think it's even better that your husband and you have different coaching certifications, different tools in your toolbox for the different personalities that you guys are.

[00:32:39] Roseanne Delaney: It has actually ended up being an amazing journey, and I do have to say not all. Everybody's story ends up like ours. We have witnessed many, couples lose their marriage, even though, 

[00:32:55] Autumn Carter: yeah. 

[00:32:55] Personal Growth and Relationship Dynamics

[00:32:55] Autumn Carter: So what happens if let's talk about the, spouse, the one who's not me eyeball deep in the addiction.

[00:33:05] Can they still go to the therapy groups or what did whatever you called it, even if they're going alone and they're not trying to work on their marriage. 

[00:33:17] Roseanne Delaney: Yeah, that's a great question. Absolutely. Okay. Because what I learned was I couldn't fix Sean and trust me, if I could have, I would have already fixed him a.

[00:33:32] Long time ago because I had tried it all, I had tried more sex, I had tried spicing things up. I had tried making the kids look like they came out of the J Crew magazine by the when he came home from work and the house looked like it came out of better Homes and Gardens and had dinner on the table and all the, things I tried and it didn't make a difference.

[00:33:57] Addiction is not about you. [00:34:00] The spouse, the other person, his addiction was his addiction, and he needed to be able to work that out and heal from it on his own. There's nothing I could do. He needed to recover for himself and I needed to become better for myself and that this realization for me happened.

[00:34:29] One day in my 12 step group I don't remember what step we were working on that day, but we sat around this big glass table, like 24 women. And I just had one of those moments, some people call it the angel on their shoulders. Some people call it their conscience. I refer to it as the Holy Ghost.

[00:34:54] But I had one of those moments where the Holy Ghost whispered to me, Hey, Roseanne, I. The resentment you're [00:35:00] holding for Sean and his addiction is no better on the scale of sin than his addiction. Ooh, ouch, ouch, ouch is right. That was a hard pill to swallow and it's absolute truth. And that's when my own personal, sorry, I get a little emotional.

[00:35:26] That's when my own personal recovery started to really increase. 'cause I started to focus on me and what I needed to be doing and changing and learning about me instead of putting the focus on Sean and what he should be doing.

[00:35:47] Autumn Carter: So you were able to have that parallel track where you were able to grow together that way instead of being like. The judgey spouse or whatever was [00:36:00] I was the judgy spouse. And it sounds like no matter what would've happened in your marriage for those who are listening and they're on the cusp, they're not sure what to do, just realizing that you can have your own growth separate from them.

[00:36:17] Yes. And I know what we talked about before, but you didn't mention it here, so I'm gonna mention it for you, is that when you went back and you talked to him about what finally did it for you, is he was saying that he was tired of the hiding. 

[00:36:31] Roseanne Delaney: Yeah. That I asked him, why now? Why are you ready now?

[00:36:37] And he said, it just, it got too exhausting to remember who I told what lie to. Because this infiltrated every part of his life, not just our marriage. It affected his work performance because he was looking at it at work at times as well. And he would have to gaslight his boss and dance around [00:37:00] things there and with our clergy at church leaders and in our marriage and in friendships.

[00:37:06] Autumn Carter: It, you said you moved fairly regularly because of it too. 

[00:37:10] Roseanne Delaney: Absolutely. Every two years was his psych. Every two years, he would move us because he was afraid he would lose his job. And I had no say in that. There was no discussion, and I didn't know that's why he was moving us. It wasn't until a couple of years into recovery that he actually shared that with me and, every addict has a cycle.

[00:37:33] Has an addiction cycle is and they learn that cycle as they go through their own therapy process or even coaching process. A coach can help walk you through that and to recognize what your cycle is. But yeah it's very nuanced and although everybody's journey is different and everybody's recovery is different, it is also very [00:38:00] much the same.

[00:38:01] And although we should never compare our story to someone else's story and we shouldn't compare our recovery journey to somebody else's recovery journey, because there's so many different ways it can happen Sean's recovery journey is gonna look different. Than the men. He works with each and in every individual man he works with.

[00:38:27] And my recovery journey from betrayal trauma is going to look different than every single woman that I work with in, in the fact that we may use different tools at different times and have different aha moments and discoveries about ourselves and within ourselves at different times. But in the end, we all get to the same spot, and that's a good place of recovery and healing within us.

[00:38:55] And so we should never compare those things. And so I, I do [00:39:00] wanna make it clear that yes each, couple or each part of the coupleship, the marriage should be doing their own separate work for themselves, not for the other person, for themselves. And then. When the time is right, when you've had enough of your own work done, then you can come together and start working to repair the relationship.

[00:39:27] Or during that time where you're both working, you guys might decide that, hey, staying married to each other is not the healthiest or best outcome and make that decision. Or there's even another option where maybe. One of the spouses doesn't wanna work on themself. And when that happens, there becomes this phenomena.

[00:39:54] I don't know that it's a phenomena, but I'm gonna call it that, of polarity. [00:40:00] That happens when you're, in a committed relationship and one person begins to grow, they start to move ahead. On their personal journey in life and growth, and at some point the other partner, and even this partner that's growing, they're going to start feeling some uncomfortableness.

[00:40:24] The friction of pulling each other. Yeah. That friction of, oh man, they're changing. They're changing for the good, and I feel this, and now I have a decision to make. Do I wanna lean in and grow myself and start growing and catching up with them or am I too scared? And it feels a whole lot more comfortable in the scaredness to stay back here.

[00:40:53] And if they choose to stay back here, this space in between is called a liminal space, and in that liminal [00:41:00] space, we lose connection. And in addiction, connection is the, or addiction is the opposite of connection. If you are connected, addiction has a hard time living in a very connected relationship. But when there's disconnection in that liminal space, then the relationship begins to get more and more stressed.

[00:41:30] And at some point, if the one person behind doesn't move, this person up here is gonna be like, Hey, what's going on here? I'm doing all the work. And this just doesn't feel connected and right. And nurturing and loving and the type of relationship I want. And we lose marriages in that space. In marriages where [00:42:00] only one partner chooses to grow and the other is I don't need to change anything.

[00:42:05] I was that person in the beginning. Sean was starting to grow, right? And I was still back here saying, wait, you gotta fix you. I haven't done anything wrong. I did not violate the promises I made to you and God, when I entered into this marriage you go grow, But before long I started feeling oh dang, he is growing, and maybe I ought to show up at that meeting.

[00:42:29] So I showed up to that meeting and then we got to here, and then guess what? I started to move a little bit ahead and he had to decide now, whoa, am I gonna dig a little bit deeper and go a little bit deeper and heal a little bit more so that she doesn't run away from me? And so it became this very healthy push and pull within our relationship, which we will never arrive from.

[00:42:57] We have to constantly now from here on [00:43:00] out, have this dynamic of push and pull where we're growing and pulling each other along and challenging each other so that we're not like going on a straight path, but more on an upward path. 

[00:43:16] Autumn Carter: It makes me think of, you said your husband's in Pennsylvania and he spends a lot of time here.

[00:43:20] That's a state above me for anyone listening and they have this really cool, I have yet to do it, so it's really cool in theory as of right now. But you can take these weird looking bikes on railroad tracks and it reminds me of you guys each being on your own bike and you're moving that platform together.

[00:43:39] And that should be the point. The whole point of this life, in my opinion, is to learn and grow and help other people along that way. And we talked about this before and we're running lower on time. 

[00:43:52] Repairing Relationships with Children

[00:43:52] Autumn Carter: So I wanted to talk about your relationship with your children, because I know this very much changed. You needed to do a lot of work, a lot of repair there.

[00:44:01] So can you talk about that a little bit? 

[00:44:03] Roseanne Delaney: You bet. Gosh, I wish I could say we were better parents. And we were not, we were two unhealthy people doing the very best we could, and their dad was an addict. And so he was present, but he was never present. And so basically I was a single mother and my children didn't have a father or much of a relationship with their father, and I was always in this hypervigilant mode of trying to protect my kids from everything.

[00:44:35] I was probably a helicopter mom before they even had a term called helicopter mom. 

[00:44:39] Autumn Carter: I was wondering. 

[00:44:40] Roseanne Delaney: Yeah. It was super controlling of my children and super controlling of as much as I could in my life because I had no control over what was happening in my marriage.

[00:44:51] And so the only thing keeping me grounded was trying to control everything and everyone else. And we know as parent coaches that the more [00:45:00] controlling we are, the less of a relationship we have with our children. It pushes them away. They need to be able to feel like they have control too, and like they have some choices and that builds safety and it builds strong relationships.

[00:45:20] When with your children, you have this relationship. Give and take. And my kids didn't get that because I was unable to show up that way with from the effects of my husband's pornography addiction. 

[00:45:36] Autumn Carter: How old were they when you were able to finally go back and start repairing that stuff? 'cause I know it took a while before you could even do that work, working on yourself, working on the marriage.

[00:45:49] Roseanne Delaney: So our kids were all adults. When that happened our youngest had just started college, and so he was like 19. And then we [00:46:00] had a 21-year-old, 23-year-old, and a 25-year-old at that time. And it's only been in the last probably two years that our children have come to us and said.

[00:46:17] I finally feel like I can trust you, because they've seen the work that we do and they see the, people that we're becoming, which is absolutely a hundred percent opposite of the parents we were when they were young. 

[00:46:34] Autumn Carter: That's the story of hope for parents, that you can still fix it any step of the way.

[00:46:41] Focus on the repair. 

[00:46:43] Roseanne Delaney: Absolutely. And really if there's, if there is something wrong in a relationship, any relationship that you're having with anybody, you need to look at yourself first. The answer is always inside of [00:47:00] you. It's my client. Can I put you on pause for a second? We can, yeah. And then we can wrap up.

[00:47:01] Yeah, we'll wrap up. I'll just have her sit here. She'll be quiet. Wait, tell me what I, 

[00:47:01] Autumn Carter: what'd you say? What was I telling you? Oh, just we were talking about the repair with children. So R

[00:47:01] Final Thoughts and Hope for the Future

[00:47:01] Autumn Carter: oseanne just had her client walk in, so we are going to finish up because I took her time just chit chatting before we even started recording.

[00:47:09] So thank you, Roseanne. But what, out of all of this, what nugget do you want somebody to have? 

[00:47:19] Roseanne Delaney: I want to give the nugget of hope. There is always hope, and in the midst of it, it doesn't feel like there's hope. And our brain actually doesn't even let us even fill or think like we have options. And there are always options.

[00:47:38] And those options you will find inside of yourself. Anytime there's conflict in a relationship, whether it's between you and your child, you and your spouse, somebody at work, a neighbor, a family member, the answer is always inside of you. That's where we need to start first, and it's a hard pill to swallow and sometimes even [00:48:00] all the work I've done, I don't recognize it immediately.

[00:48:03] Sometimes it takes me a couple of days to get myself humble, to be like what is my part in this? 

[00:48:10] Autumn Carter: Habits run deep and you've been working in those habits the wrong way, the bad habits for longer than you've been in the good habits. So it makes sense. We all have our good and bad days, 

[00:48:21] Roseanne Delaney: so if you find yourself in a situation where you're married to an addict of any kind, there's hope.

[00:48:29] There's hope for healing. There is hope for a better life. If you are struggling with one of your children or multiple of your children. There is hope. There is hope for healing. There is hope for an amazing relationship. You're struggling with a coworker. You're struggling with a, your own parent or a sibling.

[00:48:52] There is hope, but the answer starts with you. Call autumn, call myself. [00:49:00] Follow us on Facebook or Instagram at relationships. Reach out to us through our website@liftingrelationship.com. We may not be the right fit for you, but we know people that will be, and we're happy to share those resources for free, just like Autumn does, through this platform of her podcast.

[00:49:23] There is always hope, and you always have a choice. You always have options, 

[00:49:30] Autumn Carter: and if neither of us resonate with you and you're more resonating with Sean's story. When she's saying the US on the website, it's her and her husband. So if you need to talk more with Sean and you need that side of things, he is right there for you too.

[00:49:45] So even though he is not here, he's here in spirit. He is more on my side of the country than hers right now. But you have so many resources that you've even shared with me that I can give to other people, and we'll have those listed in the show description. [00:50:00] And if you are listening to this because somebody shared it with you, know that they love you.

[00:50:05] That they have your best intentions at heart. I know sometimes for myself, even I don't, what I say doesn't come out right. And there's times where I'm talking to people and I say, I know I said that wrong, but just feel the intention. Please do that for the person who shared this with you. And if any of this resonates with you and you've gotten this far and you haven't shared it with anybody, please do.

[00:50:31] We really appreciate it be. We are coming from a place of wanting to help heal. We know, I know what it's like to have close family members to date somebody in pornography. She has lived with somebody longer than I have in pornography, and it's hard. It is so hard. You lose pieces of yourself and. From Sean's side, CI sympathize with him about how hard of a [00:51:00] journey that's been for him hiding all of these things.

[00:51:02] And if you're on any sides of this, know that there's support. Thank you for being on. I will let you get to, your client is, and just thank you for your time. 

[00:51:14] Roseanne Delaney: Thank you. 

[00:51:15] Autumn Carter: Thank you. All right. I'll let you go. Bye. Okay, thanks. Bye friend.

[00:51:19] Thanks for tuning into this week's episode. I am your host, autumn Carter, a certified life coach dedicated to empowering individuals to rediscover their identity, find balance, miss chaos, strengthen relationships, and pursue their dreams. My goal is to help people thrive in every aspect of their lives. I hope today's discussion inspired you and offered valuable insights.

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[00:52:51] One last thing to cover the show legally, I'm a certified life coach giving general advice, so think of this, this more as a self-help book. [00:53:00] This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, so this podcast shouldn't be taken as a replacement for professional guidance from a doctor or therapist.

[00:53:11] If you want personal one-on-one coaching from a certified life and parenting coach, go to my website, wellness and every season.com. That's where you can get personalized coaching from me for you. See you in next week's episode.