Episode 162: How to Listen Better

Ever wish the people you love could hear you more deeply — and wonder how you could give that same gift back to them?

Today’s episode explores one of the most important skills for connection, conflict resolution, and emotional closeness: true, intentional listening.

In this conversation, I open up about my own growth as a recovering fixer, a coach, a parent, and a partner — and how learning to listen instead of solve has changed every relationship in my life. We talk about the difference between venting and advice, how to reflect back what you hear so others feel understood, and why “What else?” may be the most powerful question you’ll ever use. You’ll also hear practical tools for listening when you’re overwhelmed, distracted, neurodivergent, or flooded with your own emotions.

We dig into body language, shared energy, reading between the lines, and even how to gently guide conversations deeper without forcing them. By the end, you’ll walk away with simple but transformative practices you can use immediately — with your partner, children, coworkers, and especially with yourself.

If you want to strengthen your communication and build more secure, emotionally safe relationships, this episode is worth every minute. I hope you feel seen here.

Connect with me:

Instagram + Threads: @wellnessineveryseason

Podcast website: wellnessineveryseason.com

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Transcript

Episode 162: How to Listen Better

[00:00:00] Speaker: this is 162 and today we are talking about how to listen better to form deeper connections.

[00:00:09] Speaker 2: Welcome to Wellness. In every season, we talk all things wellness, to help you align yourself, align with your goals, find balance in your life, and just recalibrate yourself if you are listening for the first time. Welcome, welcome. I'm so glad you're here, and let's get started in the rest of the podcast.

[00:00:34] Speaker: This will be a shorter, but it hopefully deeper and more impactful episode. So this is something that I've been talking to a lot with, in particular my children. You know that saying that you have one mouth and you have two ears, you should use your ears more than your mouth.

[00:00:54] That's coming out of my own mouth lately, and it's something that I've thought a lot [00:01:00] about with coaching clients For one thing, most of the work that actually happens with clients that I coach is in between sessions, which is so fun, especially getting those text messages in between of, Hey, this is working or whatever.

[00:01:17] But it also, and this is something that I really struggled with. When I took my class called Helping Relationship, that was all about it was basically like a one-off coaching session for people who were going through something traumatic, like maybe a house fire volcano.

[00:01:46] We're going to Hawaii in March. So that's on my mind. A divorce [00:02:00] something that's fairly traumatic for the family I struggled through that class because I wanted to help, and by help, I mean fix it for them. And it definitely went in with childhood trauma stuff of me being worried about others having negative feelings and me wanting to fix it for them because that was put on me a lot when I was younger.

[00:02:29] Divorced family, divorced child. A lot of divorced couples tend to forget how much it impacts their children. Even the most amicable divorce, it negatively impacts the child for the rest of their life. So just put that out there and when I went to earn my coaching certification.

[00:02:56] That is where I struggled again, is with managing Your Fixer [00:03:00] is what it's called, and. That is the main reason why I started my podcast is because that right here, I am fixing it for all of you guys and giving all the advice and everything else so that in my coaching sessions, I'm not doing that. I can point my clients if they so wish to my podcast.

[00:03:21] And they can get all their, here's your unsolicited advice here, but it has helped me to not want to fix things for them. And then as I went deeper into therapy and somatics and taking a what is it called? Positive intelligence course and other things to really help me manage my fixing tendencies and also.

[00:03:50] Coaching more people and really sitting back has really helped. So this all ties [00:04:00] in to how to listen better and to form those deeper connections because we all will end up coaching somebody to some degree, if that makes sense. Meaning we will all have people. Who need to vent and be seen and really heard.

[00:04:25] So how do we make sure we are really hearing them and we're not putting our own bias into it? That's so difficult. I still struggle with the bias part. And it's not to say that a bias is a good or a bad thing. It's just this is their lived experience and you have yours and they're different. And to put this into perspective, think about it with siblings, right?

[00:04:56] They grew up in the same household, same parents, same [00:05:00] experience, right? And I'm putting this in quotes on purpose because it's a different experience for 'em. They're different people, different personalities, that same concept, right?

[00:05:18] Let's go into the somatics to help with this.

[00:05:23] What is coming up for you when you don't wanna listen? When you're struggling with that, maybe you have a neurodivergency like I do. A DH. D is mine and it makes it harder to pay attention.

[00:05:42] What have you found that works for you to help you pay attention? For some people, this happened to somebody that I was talking to the other day that said, I'm sorry, I stopped listening as soon as I saw this, and I was interrupted. But it was really nice to be, [00:06:00] oh why waste my breath if you're not gonna listen anymore?

[00:06:03] And we were able to pivot to, okay, this is what you're paying attention to. And I've had this with other, people, I can choose to draw them back or not. I've coached tons of people with A DHD probably because I connect with them. Have you ever noticed that you, if you have a neurodivergency, you tend to connect with the people who have the same one?

[00:06:23] So I was able to quickly, okay, we can shift focus.

[00:06:32] Another idea is. How can you reflect back? That's my favorite coaching tool, is reflecting back so that they can go deeper. For me, when I am really struggling with something and I need help right now, I love going to my husband instead of going to a coach because my husband's right there. I don't have to wait a week [00:07:00] or however long till I see my coach.

[00:07:03] And with him, the biggest things that he asks me, that I find extremely valuable is, are you looking for advice or do you just need to vent? That's something that my father-in-law he wished he had learned a lot sooner with his kids, but that's something that he uses and my husband sometimes uses on me, but.

[00:07:29] Separate from that. Before you even get to that part, you can still reflect back and then in reflecting back, you can then go and ask those two questions and then matching some of their energy. If somebody's really angry, maybe you don't wanna match the anger, but you can match some of the body language and you can.

[00:07:56] Show that openness. This is something that was [00:08:00] really shown and we got points off, on or off for. Are you showing that you have an open and engaging your I are on them. You don't have your arms crossed and I'm such an arm crossing person. You don't have your arms crossed, you don't have your legs crossed, your very open body language open to receiving.

[00:08:20] So there's that. and this can be hard if you have a neurodivergency and it's hard to show eye contact and that type of thing. is there something else that you can do that shows that you're listening and maybe you need to have some kind of fidget so you're fidgeting with your hand and it helps your brain to focus.

[00:08:40] What other things work? There are several things that I do for myself and with kids. There can be the, I am distracted right now. Can we come back to this later? That will help you focus later and have that deeper connection and set a time. you can also say.[00:09:00] 

[00:09:02] What I'm hearing is this, but what I think you mean is this. you're reflecting back, but you're saying two different things and really getting through the point of what is the intention behind that? Because for me, when I have so many big emotions, I was not allowed to share that as a kid.

[00:09:20] So it can feel weird and I even have my own. Name and feel your emotions that you can't see on the screen. It's right above this. I put that up there when I was in college and when I started therapy. It was very helpful when my therapist would say what emotion are you feeling about that? And I go hold on.

[00:09:41] I'd look at it, and I've even used that with coaching clients who struggle, okay is it this emotion or this emotion? What's going on here? So with the deeper listening, you can help them label their emotion and then it can get them to go deeper. And [00:10:00] then another tool that I love that is super simple everyone can use is, what else?

[00:10:07] And ask it three times in a row. It helps you get that deeper. So you're reflecting back what else? Reflecting back, what else? And then.

[00:10:21] If you are taking your bias out of it, which I know is hard, that's why I'm smiling, but if you are really, what is the point of this conversation for them? What are they really trying to get across? Sometimes it's just the connection. It's not about the words as much. It's weird, but I know people who've been that way.

[00:10:48] Sometimes when my husband and I have deeper conversations, I don't like to be sitting next to him because I was in a car accident last year. So it cranes my neck and it [00:11:00] hurts. So what I will do is I'll put my feet in his lap. So then I am looking at him and he doesn't even need to rub my feet. Sometimes he does 'cause he'll have that nervous energy, which bonus.

[00:11:18] But it is forcing that body contact, which is really good, gives that oxytocin, it's really good for you. And so we're having that snuggle the snuggle drug. So we're getting that connection. And I'll do this with our kids too, but I don't put my feet in their lap. It's different. That does not always work with people that you're not intimate with, like family intimacy.

[00:11:50] It'd be weird to do that with a coworker is what I'm trying to say. But are there ways that you can show that you are listening and open, and [00:12:00] maybe this will help you, is who do you know that is a really good listener that gives you the space you need? Without making you feel like you're right, like who's that person who gives you the space but will also challenge you just a little bit on things?

[00:12:24] What do they do? And if you don't know anybody like that, what if you. Think of a character maybe in a book or a movie, a show. We all can think of at least one character if you really think about it. That is really good like that. And they're always portrayed as somebody that people can come to. Or maybe it's that one-off scene that really resonated with you.

[00:12:59] [00:13:00] What are they doing? Or what do you wish people did to really showed you on a deep level and allowed you that really good connection that allows your heart to really open and just pour out? What have they done for you? So those are things to think about, to really dive into how can I become a better listener?

[00:13:26] This isn't about going around, making sure that other people are a better listener to you. That'd be a whole other podcast, and that'd be really difficult to do because you'd be forcing your will on somebody else and that would just blow up in your face. So for this, it's how do I become a better listener 

[00:13:45] For me, it's finding ways to quiet my brain and reflecting back, because then it shows that gaps of where I stopped paying attention so those can be filled back [00:14:00] in. It allows that moment of sincere connection and it can be really hard. For me, I get overwhelmed easily when all of my kids are coming home and they all wanna talk to me at one time, and they're seeking that connection and they want the deep listening.

[00:14:21] Sometimes, not always. Sometimes the kids just wanna talk and they don't care whether you're listening or not. Let's be honest. Sometimes we're that way too, but how do we make sure we are slowing down ourselves enough? Closing off our mouth enough? Remembering that we have two of these and one of these, and we're really listening and we're listening not just for the words that are coming outta their mouth, but we're paying attention to their body language.

[00:14:50] We're paying attention to the intention and the way that we can pay attention to the intention is what kind of setting are they [00:15:00] giving us to Whatever situation, if it's something that went wrong at home. What are they describing? What do you already know about them and the background of whatever story they're giving you?

[00:15:18] What do you know about their desires? That definitely plays a part, and what are they not saying, right? That reading between the lines part, but through all of that. What are you doing and not doing so mouth closed, reflecting back once in a while, giving them more of the space to talk. Making sure that you have this handy contraption put away.

[00:15:53] You're not distracted by any devices, not distracted by the tv, [00:16:00] whatever. Maybe you're in a quieter location. I definitely recommend that, especially if they are someone who gets distracted. That also helps with the reflecting back. If they're someone who are neurodivergent or very upset or they just are a teenager, what are you doing to help them stay present, to have that connection, to have whatever it is that they're trying to share with you, be shared in such a way that they feel seen, heard, validated.

[00:16:42] Most of all loved, and you can validate somebody even if they're wrong, because their feelings are still valid. They're making the choice to feel that thing, but they're still valid as a person. At the end of [00:17:00] all this, you still care about them. That's mostly what you wanna share, is that you care about them and you're there for them and.

[00:17:08] Maybe that they need that reminder at the end that your feelings are a choice. What do you wanna do with them? And for most people, it's just, I need to get this off my chest. And then we can both, I'm not putting this on you, but we can put it in between us and both really look at this and then decide what we wanna do with it.

[00:17:38] Sometimes it's just it needs to get off my chest and I need to be seen, and then we can both walk away from it. It's just set here. It'll dissolve on its own. Now that we both have really looked at it and allowed some error to get in there, it can just solve, and sometimes it's something that we need [00:18:00] to revisit several times and from different angles, and it's a bigger, deeper thing.

[00:18:07] And it can be hard when it seems to be the same thing that you're coming back to. And maybe it's because we need to have more experience to really see it from a different viewpoint. We talked about this a couple weeks ago.

[00:18:25] Self intimacy just a little bit. Sometimes we need to give ourselves space to really feel and allow that feeling to pass so that we can feel what's deeper and underneath it. Sometimes we need to talk to more than one person about it so that we. Are not talking to that echo chamber that reflects back oh yeah, you're totally validated.

[00:18:55] You need somebody who has a different perspective. [00:19:00] Because it goes with that idea that as human beings, which is all of us, we need to hear things more than once. And it goes with his saying that, my stepdad told me there's enough of that SAS in there that it stuck where if one person calls you an ass.

[00:19:23] You can just shrug it off. If a second person calls you one, there might be a little bit of validity to it, but if the third person comes up and tries to put a saddle on you, it might mean that you actually are a donkey and you're behaving like one. It's helpful to have other perspectives and to really take time to listen, not just bury things, not just move on because we're never gonna get past this point, especially anybody who's been in a longer term relationship [00:20:00] will know that there are some topics that are just sticky 

[00:20:06] What is painfully funny is that sometimes the topics, both of you are on the same page, but there's enough emotions in there, and the way that both of you are sharing your viewpoint is it sounds like you're on different pages, but really you're at the same spot, on the same page, and that's when you need the deep listening to realize.

[00:20:34] I know so many people who've done that, and I've been there and I will be there again because it's called life. And that is where it's important to really deeply listen to people, to let them feel heard. Because when you deepen your skills in this, you are realizing what works and [00:21:00] what doesn't. And also realizing what you need and you're giving examples to others of how to do it so they can turn around and do the same thing for you.

[00:21:11] That should not be your motivation at all, but know that all relationships are give and take and all healthy ones. At the end of the day, we all need to feel heard, seen, loved, and validated, and pointed in a better direction. And if you don't have that for yourself, I am happy to do that for you.

[00:21:39] I know that life is hard. We don't need to feel alone and lonely and. I am giving you a great big hug and telling you are not alone, you are loved, and that I will see you in the next episode. [00:22:00] Bye.

[00:22:03] Speaker 3: Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope that you found the answers that you needed, and you had some amazing aha moments. Please share this episode with others because it helps us align ourselves and then better align the world so that we can seek the healing that we really are looking for as part of the legal language.

[00:22:26] I am a certified life coach with a Bachelor's in Applied Health. That is what I am leaning on for this. This is general advice. Take it as such. See you in the next episode.