Finding Joy Everywhere

Can joy be rediscovered—not by changing who you are, but by uncovering who you've always been?

In this episode of Wellness in Every Season, Autumn sits down with Professional Muse S. Stephon Brown, creator of Modern Musing, to explore a refreshing approach to personal growth for people who feel stuck, burned out, or like traditional self-development hasn't fully worked for them.

Drawing from decades of improv, storytelling, behavioral observation, and self-reflection, Stephon shares how he developed a process that helped him rediscover joy, purpose, and authenticity after asking himself one life-changing question: "If I think I'm so smart, why aren't I happy?"

Together, Autumn and Stephon dive into topics like:

- Why many people lose touch with joy as they grow older
- The difference between therapy, coaching, and Modern Musing
- How entertainment, books, movies, and even favorite fictional characters reveal what you're longing for
- Why people resist change—even when they desperately want it
- The role of safety, curiosity, and nonjudgment in personal growth
- How reconnecting with your inner child can help you reclaim purpose
- Why healing happens one breakthrough at a time, not all at once
- Practical ways to begin listening to yourself instead of the expectations placed on you by others

If you've ever felt like you don't quite fit the mold, struggle to find your place, or know there's more joy available than you're currently experiencing, this conversation offers a fresh perspective on what it means to truly understand yourself.

Connect with S. Stephon Brown

🌐 The Barstool Theories: https://thebarstooltheories.com

📧 thebarstooltheories@gmail.com

📱 Instagram: @thebarstooltheories

Stephon also offers a complimentary 44-minute Musing Session through his website, where you'll experience his unique approach to uncovering what's keeping you from living with greater joy, clarity, and authenticity.

For more wellness tips and exclusive content, join my newsletter! Sign up now at https://wellness-in-every-season.kit.com/5-days-to-mastering-mornings-and-evenings receive a free 5-day guide called "Awaken and Unwind: 5 Days to Mastering Life's Mornings and Evenings." 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Today, we are talking about joy and purpose and legacy, but really, how do you find that everywhere and in life and bring that in to everyday life and really realigning to make sure you're on that path? Welcome to Wellness in Every Season. We talk all things wellness to help you align yourself, align with your goals, find balance in your life, and just recalibrate yourself. If you are listening for the first time, welcome, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. And let's get started in the rest of the podcast. Today I have with me S Stephen Brown. And he has a really cool story that goes along with this. He figured out how to do this for himself and then how to do it for family. And then he went and became certified in these different avenues and blended it all together. So we are going to be talking about that today. But before we get there, I want to first welcome you to the show. Thank you for being on with us.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

Of course.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Can you tell us a little bit about your backstory and anything else that you want people to really know so they feel like they're resonating with you from the get-go?

SPEAKER_00 1:23

Sure. I'm one of those people who I was diagnosed neurodivergent as a kid. I was given the diagnosis of ADD back before they had the H. Back in the 80s, all they had was Riddling and Shame, neither of which I use now. I've always struggled the normal educational avenues or communication styles, so I've always had to find my own path. But one of the things I found very early on was improv, which I discovered in high school doing dramatic improv, which was actually kind of a therapy session where we would create scenes for drug abuse or against anti-bullying or gun control. Like we had different things that we would do, and we would perform scenes for other improv other children, other high schoolers, and but we would stay in our characters and go through processing so they would be able to talk to us. So this was this really unique form of performance, but also therapy and also sociologically. It was like this brilliant introduction to this performance style. I thought myself a screenwriter, so I went to film school, ended up in LA for 20 years trying to break into the industry, which you discover it grinds you down. The entertainment industry is not a very life-balanced industry at all. You have to basically throw yourself into it, and whatever happens, happens. And I it just saw a lot of people who were unhappy, a lot of people who were on like just going through the motions. So I jumped out of that into the corporate world for a few years and once again found people who are unhappy and just going through the motions, and not really these are two worlds that kind of blanked our humanity to create slates for us to be something that they could use monetarily. And so, right around the time, like early 40s, I asked myself, because I've always like if you're so smart, why aren't you happy? And that kind of spun me into this world of introspection and understanding. And so I took all my improv skills, which I'd still been doing for 30 years, and I turned them inward. And I started taking improv activities and techniques and using them in like an analysis of myself. And that opened up this whole world where I've wrote a few books about it, about behavior theory, and I have kind of created this niche, which I described as musing, which is you know, the modern historical muses were people who gifted inspiration to different people that they thought worthy. But it wasn't just inspiration creatively, it was also mathematics, it was a science, it was art, it was all these different things that people were inspired by. And then, you know, that was the original ones, but then in the Middle Ages and in the Renaissance, there were actual muses that helped other artists. There were like sculptures, sculptors would have like muses that would do just the hands for their sculptors, or they would have other creative people that would help push them into another level. So and it was literally they had musing was a kind of a career at that point, but it's gone by the wayside because now it's we're very self-reliant and we're very like, what can you do? What are your skill sets? And I think a lot of people are trapped in these boxes that are being made by modern economics and modern money flow, but they're not human-based, they're all economic-based. Like we're all we have to do these certain jobs, or we're not successful, or we have to act a certain way, or we're not a good person. And a lot of these rules and things that are put up by everyone else are not true. And so what I do is I took, I kind of sloughed off everything that I didn't need, what was from me from everyone else, and I realized there's so much more, you have so much more energy and life when you're just doing the things that are important to you. But you have to figure out what's not important to you first and get rid of all that, and that's a huge process. And so that's what I help people do is get rid of the excess things that they don't need and figure out who's really them underneath. And everyone's different. That's the hard part. It's like you can't use a cookie-cutter kind of philosophy to attack everyone. You have to have a tool chest of different things that you can use. Okay, this person's gonna respond to this, this person's gonna respond to this, this and that's the magic of what I do is like improvising at life level, which is how I got to where I am. And that was an incredibly long introduction, but thank you for letting me do it.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

I even do that when I'm interviewed, and then we get to take it apart and really which parts do we want to put under the microscope and dive deep on. So that is so interesting, the idea of using improv as therapy. And I was thinking about myself and how when I was younger, I enjoyed theater, I enjoyed being on the stage, but as I got older, I did not because I did not want, I wanted to blend in. And I thought so. For me, it's interesting that now that I've had enough healing, I would enjoy doing improv. Where before I was going through a program and they wanted me to create a fake commercial and I couldn't. Oh wow, it was part of graduating, and the most that they could get out of me is I was a friendly camera and I'm just laughing. Where everybody else was able to do it, and it was because of that I can't, I'm so stuck that I can't get out of who I am to become somebody else. Somebody and it's interesting seeing how you can see different parts of I I need therapy and I need help because of this. And it brings that question because you've done so much work, how do you know when you need therapy and when coaching will work for you? My best episodes, I talk about this. So now you get to be under the volley.

SPEAKER_00 7:33

It's it's it comes down to chemical composition, I think. Because once you need antidepressants or anything, because the mental work will only get you so far, but if your body chemistry is not responding well, then you need like traditional honest therapy. And musing is not we, as we say, musing is not therapy, it's therapeutic, but it is not therapy. We actually like to work in conjunction with therapists because therapy is about communicating. This is a typical therapy session. We talk to each other and then we go off and have our world. But a musing session is I would be with you. I want to be in your location, I want to see what your world is. I want to see because that's where you hide from therapists. When you when I'm with them for 20 years, because you're not actually telling them the truth, you're telling them what you think. And your environment is telling a completely different story. So if you talk to your therapist, like, I'm a huge car guy, I love cars, but if I go into your apartment, there's not a single car thing, there's not a poster of cars, there's nothing there automotive. I'm like, okay, there's a disconnect here. And I can see it immediately, but you couldn't see it in a traditional therapeutic session. So that's where what I try and do is I try and break through the wall and then send you to your therapist with, okay, this is what we broke. See how you fix it. Because people need these, you need to have that animal moment where it just rings. It's like you suddenly everything makes sense. Like boom, mmm, like someone ring, and you just cascade it out. And you can see in people's eyes, and like, oh wow, I have been contributing to my own unhappiness. And you just see it, it starts spread out, but you can't do that for them. You have to get them to have that revelation, and that's the tricky part. But the back to your point is if it's mindset and perspection, perspective can get you so far. But if there's really truly trauma or anything deep in there that you're avoiding, you need traditional therapy. But musing is the way to break through those next levels when you're plateauing. That's what we do. We try and help shake the pail to see what comes loose.

SPEAKER_01 9:43

I'm so glad I asked the question because you answered it differently than I have. So I think for people who are still stuck, this will be so great to, oh, I have this moment, this makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Right. And that's what we're looking for. Like musing is we're looking for those next moments where you're breaking through a level, a layer. But what we don't understand is when we make mental breakthroughs, it affects so many different things that you kind of need to let the stone hit the water and then watch the ripples go out for a little bit and then throw another stone. But so many people just try and I have to fix myself now. It's like someone, you're not seeing what's happening. Hit, let it roll. And that's what I try to do. But you know, you always have to run on the pace of your client and reflect on what they're giving you. Because you can't just be like the first day you're like, I know what's wrong with you, I know what's wrong with you graduating. No, you have to be like why doesn't that work?

SPEAKER_01 10:37

That's exactly the next question I was going to ask you.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

Because internal change can't come from external sources. Basically, what you have to do is you have to work through their defense. Because there, if someone hasn't changed, there is a reason they're that way, and there's a reason that they haven't changed. There are many reasons why we are. And most of the reason they don't change is because they have like a system of defenses that are up. As soon as you talk loudly, they'll close down. As soon as you mention something else, they'll close down. It's like people have their ways of like, no, no, no, no. So the trick is working in through the defenses using things that they already like. We have to get our client to make the revelation themselves. We can't tell them, they have to say it. So the best way to do that is if you can get them to say it first, that's the secret. But sometimes you have to be like, you say it, and then the week later they're like, Oh, remember when you said that? Now it makes sense now. But they need the time for their defenses to go down, give them a set like chance to like listen to themselves. And he's like, actually, yes, he was right. But yeah, defenses go up so quick. We're so quick to especially now. Social media has made us so responsive to being put out there. We're so hyper-responsive to oh my god, this comment or this like or someone liked something and that sends you into a spiral. Just a click, one click can send someone into a spiral. That's such a we're not meant to respond that fast to that many things.

SPEAKER_01 12:17

Or heaven forbid if they accidentally hit the wrong emoji.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

Right. It's like, oh my god, he loved that. What does that mean?

SPEAKER_01 12:25

Don't uh or I'm angry when it was supposed to be a heart, or yeah. Yeah, uh and I've had that where I'm like, did anybody see that? I'm like, no, no, no, nobody needs to see it. I'm experiencing it, it's okay. And I was thinking about it, it's not just social media, absolutely social media, but how many apps do we have that are quick to do whatever thing that we need, or how many times do we find our phone in our hands and we're like, why is it in my hands? What am I doing?

SPEAKER_00 12:54

Activity without processing kind of it keeps you on the pattern, and that's what society wants us to. Society's only job is to keep society alive. But it will cannibalize. I have a theory of society versus humanity, and society will cannibalize humanity every chance it can. Because society just wants to, it's a system that just wants to maintain itself. But humans are this individual, unique, magical thing that not all of us will fit ever. We're never all gonna fit into a society. So it will like lop off the people that it doesn't like or the elements it doesn't like or force people into boxes, and it's just my job is to deprogram. You can program people en masse real easy, but deprogramming them you have to do individually. Each person has to be deprogrammed by themselves, or because it won't work. We all find different reasons to love something, and you have to figure out that exact reason before you can pull it out.

SPEAKER_01 13:49

So, one thought that came to me that you did not mention is just thinking of myself and the healing that I've done, is it's a sense of safety. I have a higher sense of safety. Yesterday I went up on the ladder, no problem, was doing something up high, and I'm coming down the ladder. Wait, this isn't normal. Normally I'm afraid of heights, and it's actually not the fear of heights, it's the fear of falling. And I didn't have the fear of falling. I just felt very safe and comfortable, and I was distracted with my little guy that you saw just a little bit ago. And I had that wait, why was I able to do this and not even think twice? And I was manipulating the ladder, it wasn't quite working, and I had to extend it around the little stairs. Um, we're painting our garage. Oh wow, yeah, have a little fun. We're pulling into the garage, and oh, here it's the little bit of color, and it's already all organized, and it's that oh yay, and then we're coming into the rest of the house, it's already painted.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

Oh, that is so brilliant.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

Fun little moment of joy. Yep, and it has a nice little pop of color with the accent wall right in front of the car. So yay! Fun little things. I like house projects. I'm a weird one. And when you start with coaching clients, you have to give them that sense of safety, and even just a little bit. But going through their defenses, that totally makes sense. I love that because there's so many times where before I did became a life coach, before I started practicing it with different courses that I've taken, I would give people advice and I'm like, I see what's wrong with you. And I give it to them, and be like, here's this gift, and they're like, Cool, whatever. Right. And I'm like, but don't you see it make your life so much better? And then when I started taking the courses and I started turning it around on when people have done that to me, it's like I get it now.

SPEAKER_02 15:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

And it made me think about my own work that I needed to do because I needed to be okay with people not being okay and just holding for them. And it made me realize where I was not healed and I was trying to project here, hurry up and fix it so I'm not seeing your pain and everything else.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

Yes, because if I can fix other people myself, I will get fixed somehow. Like that's always the back of my mind is like the every person I fix, it helps me somehow.

SPEAKER_01 16:08

Yeah, and that's for pleasers. And I've had those coaching conversations with people who are also pleasers, and I remind them once I'm far enough in with them, you're actually your ego is in the way, and you are projecting, and this is totally an ego thing because you're trying to hurry up and fix whatever the situation is going to be by hurrying up and pleasing instead of letting people feel what they need to feel. And I've had people start to argue about it. I'm like, no, no, no, just let it marinate for a second, and then once they do, they're like, Oh, I see how it is, and they're like, How do I get out of that? I'm like, practice, and it sucks, and it's painful because now you have the awareness, but it's very interesting as you keep trying, and as you have more breakthroughs with it, it's a whole different ball game.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

One of the ways I find the easiest way to get through someone's defenses is using their entertainment palette. One of the things that started with me is I believe that we are defined by our obsessions. Any client I have, I asked what their obsessions are. Do you like sports? Do you like movies? Do you like TV shows? What do you watch? Because what we do for entertainment defines the feels we want to have in our life. There is a reason we watch every piece of entertainment because it gives us a certain feeling, but it gives different people different feelings. So when I look at what feelings they're getting from their entertainment, I can see what they're missing in their life. Like, oh, you're watching a ton of romantic comedies. You're obsessed by them. Like, I'm guessing you're missing a lot of rom-com, or you love sports, or you love procedurals, or you love these kinds of movies, and then they'll be obsessed by those characters. So then the other section of that is I can use those characters in introductions to help them understand themselves better because they already know the patterns. If people are obsessed with Lord of the Rings, my example is there's a character of Gandalf. I'll ask them, Are you do you feel like you're a white wizard or a gray wizard? And what is the ballrog you had to face to get through that? And if you're a Tolkien fan, they'll be like, oh, okay, because they already have all these emotions tied to that piece, they can then safely add their emotions in and view it from an outside perspective. So you're giving them characters of like, okay, I'm giving you this as a model. Do you think he would do this or not? And then you can twist it onto them. It's like, okay, well, do you want to be like Gandalf? Or do you want to be like Sauron or Saruman? And then because they've already built the emotional packs to that, I just have to take advantage of it. Well, it's like you're acting a little bit more like Saruman right now. And then be like, no, I'm not because the history has given us all these stories, they're all stories about humanity, so we can use those to flash back. What is it? The art art imitate life. Well, this is life now, can use art as a reference.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Oh. So let's just pause for a second for everybody listening. This is a completely different take from coaching that I've ever heard of. On this show, let alone others that I have watched or listened to. If this is resonating with you, where can they find you? Normally not this at the end, but we're gonna do it right now because this is so different.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

I'm the Muse Your Life Coach, so Muse Your Life Coaching will be my new website. My old website is the BarstoolTheories.com, which I'm gonna keep. But yeah, the Muse Your Life Coach and Muse Your Life Coaching are both they can find me on Instagram and the internet and different places. And I I'm starting a YouTube channel. But yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

And the things will show up.

SPEAKER_00 19:55

Muse Your Life Coaching.

SPEAKER_01 19:57

And I the reason why I wanted to put in here is because this is different than the way I coach. This is and this is needed, and it makes me think about growing up. I come from a broken home, and it feels it doesn't resonate with me saying that because I'm far enough into parenting that I don't have a broken home from it. So I watched a ton of family shows because I did because that's the that those are the feels you wanted.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

Do you remember the show specifically?

SPEAKER_01 20:28

Oh, yeah. What is it? Seventh Heaven, yeah. Oh, Steve Urkel, whatever that was.

SPEAKER_00 20:34

Oh, yeah, Family Matters.

SPEAKER_01 20:36

Yeah, like anyone that was on like Disney, Nickelodeon, I was there. If it was right after school time when I had my TV time, I was watching it. And if I go way back.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

Oh, Rugrats.

SPEAKER_01 20:51

That's so great. Now it's gonna be stuck in everyone he's he said.

SPEAKER_00 20:53

We're at a time where everyone has had entertainment. So everyone in our country has some form of entertainment they use to soothe themselves. So it's almost like, okay, what are you watching? All right, and then just do the mental math of like, oh, well, what's in there that you literally like? The family dynamic.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

And for me right now, I don't like watching TV. I'm really into books right now. I wanted to mention this for those who are like, I don't do that. Like, what is your other entertainment if it's not on a screen? For me, it still is because I'm using the Kindle app. And sometimes it's a real book, but Kindle's easier because I can carry it around. Anyway, but it's really strong female character, and she's trapped in whatever life situation and her of overcoming it. I love self help books, but I kind of burn myself out from doing it for 40 years.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

Yeah, you can burn yourself out.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

Yeah, is these female characters having to overcome it? And I've had situations where my husband will walk in and the kids are asleep, and I'm getting my quiet time by myself, and he'll walk in. And I'm like, and he's like, what is that face for? And I'm like, I just had this huge epiphany moment of and I can feel like the deep layers of healing going on. And like, or he'll come in and I'm crying, and I'm like, let me just tell you what happened for me. So it's amazing. It's a totally different type of self-help. And for me, it makes sense. I'm still going through this huge healing journey. And it's because as a coach, you can only take people as far as you've healed, as far as you're willing to go. Me, I want to take them as far as I can. And I've had places where I've had a coaching session with somebody and I end it and I'm like, okay, that was okay for them, but I need to up-level where do I need to heal? What do I need to do next? And it's amazing because I need to make sure that I am well, I feel more comfortable when I'm further ahead in my healing than they are. So I need to go.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

That's what it feels like. It feels like we're just out ahead of everyone else, kind of developing what we're doing. And for musing, it's even more so because I try and take on the obsessions of my clients. So when I when I'll learn, I will watch new shows, I'll learn new things. And that's a part of my journey of just learning what other people love. Because going to concerts where you don't know who the band is, but everyone else does, is one of the most magical experiences.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

It's like to blend in style.

SPEAKER_00 23:24

Right. But you it's a there's so many, it's just a positive experience that everyone is focused in a certain direction. It's almost like weddings, where all everyone's energy is kind of focused toward one thing and you can feel the excitement about it. And those are the moments that are just pure magic from using. It's like just being somewhere, like being in a museum where you're seeing like an amazing piece of art that is just awe-striking everyone. Those are the that's what I try and find, those those moments of pure human inspiration and nudge people to them. Like, let's go see it. Let's go, let's go stand in the room with that statue that you've looked at. And people see tears. You see tears, and they're just like, Oh, I never knew. I never knew it was like that. But until you're like physically in a space with something, you don't really inter you don't really interact with it.

SPEAKER_01 24:16

I'm excited because our kids are finally at the age where they're excited and we can do full days in DC. Oh nice onions are amazing. And the history of that, somebody donated money and for this purpose, and the government went, we don't know what to do with this. So anyway, look up the history, it's really cool. But they are now, and we've done enough there that I can now take them to the art museum down there that I went to when I was in high school, and I still remember the visceral reaction that I had to some of the pieces. Yes, excited to take, especially the two oldest, especially my daughter. She's very in that creative age. She loves anything creative, so I'm very excited to take them. And my oldest, he still remembers because I remind him, he had kindergarten during COVID. So it was and he was supposed to be doing something art wise. And I was in school online, so we had our computer set up right next to each other, and then all of a sudden he just threw a crayon at the floor, like left a mark, broke the crayon, the whole thing, and I'm like, what happened? What's going on? It didn't turn out the way I wanted. So it's good to be around those things and remind him. They probably had those same moments.

SPEAKER_02 25:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

This probably did not come easy. And think and what kind of emotion is this bringing for you. And I really like traditional artwork better than modern art. We all have our opinions. And speaking of that, actually brings me back to where I wanted to go about how you spoke about humanity. And it's that reminder that we are all these Venn diagrams where we have our circles that overlap. And it's so fun when we meet people, when we have something that's semi-overlaps, but there's enough that we don't know where we leave these conversations where we're like, I learned something new and I'm inspired. And we forget that because when we're in school, we're taught to be a certain way to make it easier for the teachers and easier for learning. Yeah. Quote unquote. Sometimes makes it harder for learning, especially men.

SPEAKER_00 26:27

The American system of learning, it's kind of remember these patterns and do them over and over again for the test scores.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

My favorite teachers were the ones where they would say, I can tell you understand the concept even though you don't remember the exact date. For me, shouldn't that matter more for a conversation rather than I'm regurgitating a date?

unknown 26:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

And spend our 30s and 40s in particular on learning that and really developing who we are. What hobbies do we want to have versus what we feel like society says we should have?

SPEAKER_00 27:02

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

That's exactly where you come in from the sound of things.

SPEAKER_00 27:06

Well, one of the issues is you know, when you're born, you're told go to school, you're gonna learn from a teacher. Okay, you're gonna go to college, you're gonna learn from an instructor. Now you're gonna get married, you're gonna have kids, you're going to learn from each other. Once that's over, what then? So many people you learn to learn from someone, but then eventually you have to learn to learn from yourself. And that is the hardest thing to do, especially when no one's setting you up for it. No one's telling you, oh, pay attention to your own body the whole time. They're always like, follow the rules. This is what you do, this is how you dress, this is how you stand. And then at some point you're like, no one's here to tell me how to dress or how to stand anymore.

SPEAKER_01 27:47

I had that moment. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:48

And you feel like an imposter. You're an imposter in yourself because you're not being told how to be good. You have to decide what's good for you. And that permission, because it's really it's permission, it's giving yourself permission to have fun as an adult, giving yourself permission to be yourself. That permission is one of the biggest things to get through to people. Is you are in command of yourself. Like no one else. You get to decide so many things. You have so much more power in your life than you think you do. But so many people have been told no, you can't do that. You don't do that. No, no, no. And you've been told no once by someone when you were seven years old, you said never do that. And then you just keep it in your head, like, oh yeah, well, I never do that. Why not? And so I give people the option of like just try new things. Try this. Have you ever tried it before? No, I never thought I would. Someone told you when you were a kid and you just held on.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

See, I mention this all the time. I'm sorry, roll your eyes here. Insert eye roll here, pickleball. I was told that I don't have very good high hand very good eye coordination. I can't say the word. I don't have very good hand eye coordination. So I did soccer. Loved it in high school. Look best at it because I didn't I was afraid to try my hardest and not do well. So I kind of tried hard-ish instead of hard.

SPEAKER_00 29:11

That's interesting. That is an interesting, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:13

Yeah. So a lot there because I was raised, and it'd be interesting to go back. Like, who taught my dad this? You had to be perfect the first try.

SPEAKER_00 29:23

And if you weren't that's absolutely wrong. That is literally 100% wrong.

SPEAKER_01 29:30

Unlearn that, and I have made sure to share that with my children, especially my oldest, because he's old enough to be receptive. He's 11 and a half. Whereas the other ones, I will teach them as they get closer to that age and understanding of I thought that I had to be perfect the first try. And the times where I was perfect the first try, it wasn't as rewarding as when it was hard and I had to work for it.

unknown 29:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

I've had that conversation with him, particularly with pickleball. My husband went into it because I was interested, and he's been amazing at it from the get-go. He's gotten a lot better, but compared to me, where everything has been a struggle and it has been my own therapeutic experience because I have very big freeze response because of abuse. And that ball is plumbing at me. It becomes dodgeball. It was coming at me hard. It's a dodgeball game. And I am winning points by dodging that. I don't think that's the way you're supposed to play. I know it's not. It's I'm not good at it yet, or I'm getting better at it. I'm still learning. And it's been very interesting. So anybody who's thinking about that, this doesn't mean go join pickleball. This means what are you telling yourself you're not good at?

SPEAKER_02 30:52

Right.

SPEAKER_01 30:53

You're willing to try. And it doesn't have to be a big thing. Like, this is learning about self-trust. What small thing are you telling yourself you're not good at? And why? Right? That's my own parents' broken system telling me that I'm not good at something. Instead of, hey, let's get you better at this.

SPEAKER_00 31:09

It's the mindset of like, if you can't do it, don't do it. Like, like we have to get we can get better at everything. But yeah, my wife struggled with that, like the same trying to be perfect the first time as well. That's a it's a when you when you've raised certain ways, it kind of comes up like be good or or don't do anything.

SPEAKER_01 31:27

And it's been interesting because my husband is an engineer, totally different brain function than mine. And watching him and being married to him for 16 years now, it's very interesting to see he will get like super OCD planning something out. And I'm like, just hurry up and do it. But it's amazing how it turns out because he has slowed down and really thought it through. And I've learned that and I've taken that on. And it's amazing to like with the ladder yesterday. I slowed down and okay, why isn't this quite working? Okay, I need to adjust this part of the ladder because it's one of those I think he calls he yeah, a frame ladders. So you have to put up one side and then the other side and make sure it's a wide enough gap and all this stuff. And there's one piece that's broken on it. I did not realize that, but it did not affect the safety, thankfully. I took the time to really think it through and made sure I had the right tools. And it was after I taped the garage door to side to go around and went back and forth, made sure my youngest was okay and wasn't touching the tools, all of that. I took the time to do that, and I'm really proud of the way things turned out. Where old me would have been like it'd be sloppily done because I just needed to hurry up and do things fast, and it's been really fun to see how things are turning out better because of it. And I've taken the time to research to make sure it's better quality paint because bikes are going up and you know, down from the wall, so I don't want to have to repaint this stupid wall again. So it's been very interesting, and I had fun doing it. And this brings me to the question of how if you are I assume it's mostly from trauma that this happens, where you become disconnected from your inner child, how do you bring that back? Because it sounds like that's a very key component to having joy in your life.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

It's a from what I've seen, it's about permissions, it's about allowing yourself to be a kid, to have like childlike moments. Because a lot of people get told, like, after a certain age, you can't that's not for child. Adults are supposed to act a certain way. Almost all of us still have childlike desires that we want somewhere in our bodies, but they're been forced out. So I think it's finding not being pressured to act adult when you don't need to be. Because there are certain situations where we have to be adult, but like we don't have to be so stringent and structured all the time, and it's finding free play. Because you know, there's many theories about what play actually is. Like people say play is simulated combat, what play is adults learning social ladder skills as they're children, but uh the one I love is people say adults are children are young adults. I say adults are actually corrupted children.

SPEAKER_01 34:28

Oh, I like that.

SPEAKER_00 34:30

Right? Because they're the joy has been removed. We had the joy, we had wonder, we had magical experiences, and it's been taken away from us or changed. So just accepting that is like I we are all equally human, and no matter what we do, it's all a factor of humanity. We can't say they're like that's not human. Like if a human can do it, it's human. It's an aspect of human humanity. And a lot of people feel like they're supposed to be something that they're not, or supposed to be something, and so they try to be, whether they're supposed to be or not, they put themselves in the box. And I think that the key is like, what do you really need to do? What are your real obligations? And not just made up ones in your head of like I have to be this, I have to that. Like, you know, one of the things we say is like when you say I should have been a doctor or I should have been a lawyer, it's like you're shooting all over yourself. You don't have those are all shoulds from other people. Almost every should is from some external source. We don't say should are on ourselves. You should have, well, did you want to? Like, no, then you shouldn't. So it's it's it's really it's about getting into yourself and figuring out what makes you happy, and then pulling the in and then pulling the things out of the way that are stopping that. Because that's really the issue, is they're always it they're you're just stacking things, you're putting joy in the closet, and then you're stacking a bunch of box on top of it. You're like, where's the joy? It's like, well, you put it there, pull the crap off of it. Expectations.

SPEAKER_01 36:01

How you put the anvil down, yeah, and you're able to clear those boxes, and there's your joy. Now, how do we connect it?

SPEAKER_00 36:12

Exactly. Yeah. Because I'll do different tricks of like one of the things I do is call the string of pearls, which I asked them for the five, what are the five stories that define you as a person? So you like think of the so those are your story points, and we look at which ones involved, like what emotions were involved with each of the stories. But was it joy, was it pain, was it mystery, was it resolution? And so from those, you'll see actually the big you'll see the big emotions that have affected their life. If there's one traumatic event, like or there's like trauma or different things, but some people you'll see where the joy stops. They'll almost always pick one, oh, right here. The fourth pearl when your when your pet died and you weren't there.

SPEAKER_01 36:56

That's a great point to be like, and now you're going to your therapist, and here's some EMDR that you're gonna be doing with them.

SPEAKER_00 37:02

But it's the non-traditional things of shaking things up to get them to think of other parts of their life in a different way. And then, okay, now what this might mean, ass, look into it.

SPEAKER_01 37:13

I've had different therapists throughout my life. This is not something that has been done in therapy. So I can see how it's like, okay, we brought this up. Now see your therapist, come back to me. I can see how this goes in tandem.

SPEAKER_00 37:25

Yeah, and it, you know, couple uh you can throw me in like a couple months, like every once once in a while we've done special events. Like I do, it's all kind of shaken up. I say when people don't know what the problem is, they should come to me. Musing is also about a community of human experience. So I try and go out and do anything that people are obsessed with. I've done Reiki sessions, I've done sound baths, I've done dancing on the beach, not just for myself, but to tell other people. I've sent people to a Reiki master, like you should go. Like you're the kind of person who will respond to this. So I have to experience all these different things so I can recommend them to other people. And then so now I have I have a Reiki person I know, I have a sound bath person. I'm basically collecting all these reference points of people to send because it's not, it takes a village. You're not gonna solve yourself from one person. You need to talk to different people and then experience different things, and then you'll see that's how humanity is. Humanity is about figure this out and then go out and try, and then come back and figure more out and then go out and try again. And so I like to send people a different experience. You I think you'd love a rage room where you go break things for a half hour. I've done what I did one of those for my anniversary. It was amazing.

SPEAKER_01 38:38

We're planning that for Ladies' Night because there's one local. Try one where like you do you destroy something, there's one where you just paint splatter, so you want to do both.

SPEAKER_00 38:49

Yeah, those are all therapeutic things that you can bring clients to tell people about because it's it's something that shakes out their natural inclinations, or it just gets them out of their comfort zone.

SPEAKER_01 39:01

So you talk about helping others who don't respond to normal techniques.

SPEAKER_00 39:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

Let's talk about that for a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 39:11

Um what I try and do is create a safe space. The problem is everyone's safe space looks different. And that's really the tricky part, is you think you're creating a safe space for someone. Oh, it's quiet, it's reserved, it's nice, it's like that for that person, it's absolutely not. They're not comfortable unless they're in a noisy environment with people all around them doing different things. And that's the key, is figuring out each person's comfort, putting them in their comfort zone, and then slowly getting them out of it. You have to know where they're comfortable first. You can't just pull them into your world, you have to go into theirs, and then slowly pull them out. So you it's about really reading them first, reading where they're comfortable, what they're looking for, what they think they're looking for. Because it's about a lot of this is transfer between wants and needs. A want is you know what we say we want, but it's always being driven by some kind of need, which could be connected, but it's oftentimes a little sideways. It's like, okay, I want to, I really want to work on this show. I want to work as a writer. But the real need is I need to feel creatively justified or creatively endowed in my life. We don't have to use that want to fulfill that need. We can find other wants to fulfill it, but you have to get them off of that specific want and say, like, we can fill this other ways. You don't need this, like, you don't have to stress about getting this one opportunity because there are other ways to fill your need. And so that's where the creativity comes in, and like really having to know the environment and know what they're capable of, because we can't suggest things that they can't do. It's like, you're afraid of heights, let's go parachute jumper. Like immediately. It's like, no.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

That reminds me, I saw a YouTube video of Tom Cruise. He did that to Jeff Gordon.

SPEAKER_02 41:12

Yep, that news.

SPEAKER_01 41:13

Yeah, and he's terrified the whole time. Who knows to Hollywood? And yeah, he looks terrified during it, and he talks about how terrified he is. I also thought about it the other way. You would have been amazing for 18-year-old me, where I could not choose a door. There were so many options, one life to live. I was afraid to make the wrong choice. Oh yeah. So many great choices. I get see you working the backwards way to help people with that as well. But let's really discuss what this is. So that, and then I also love the idea of meeting them in their safe space. But what about for the people we don't know what their safe space is because they have not had a safe space for so long? They don't know what it even looks like.

SPEAKER_00 42:06

Then we have conversations about what makes us feel safe. I start looking at their entertainment palette of like what okay, when you're by yourself, how do you watch things? Do you watch things in the dark by yourself in it wrapped up in a chair? Like, where do you go? Because those are the hints, those are the subtle hints of how they respond to what they respond. Oh, the one thing is they'll go out for they're gonna like to go out to eat. Okay, so restaurants are comfortable to them. What kind? Exactly. It's finding the specifics because we can't control the things we do. Our body just kind of a lot of ways, we just kind of go through the patterns and we create ways of understanding ourselves just by the patterns of behavior we do. So if you learn to read the patterns of people's behavior, you can easily see how they're feeling, how they want. Like when you live with a spouse for long as long as you have you can tell within seconds whether they're upset or in different moods. So the key to this is getting in like what we call in rapport as soon as possible, which is you know the term rapport, where you basically you almost take on someone's physicality to make them more comfortable, like you kind of match their energy, you match their and you develop they naturally feel a trust to you because you're mirroring them in slow ways.

SPEAKER_01 43:20

One of my questions I had to learn how to do that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:23

Right?

SPEAKER_01 43:23

And I struggled with it.

SPEAKER_00 43:27

So if you can keep rapport through different conversations, like emotional rapport, where you're staying on their side of everything they're seeing, you can keep them safe. So it's just backing up their emotions with justification of your own. And that makes them feel like, oh yeah, okay, my emotions are justified. I feel like I'm being listened to, and I feel like I'm being heard. Yeah. And those are the things that make people comfortable is maintain a lower status than them, listen intently, respond with questions that. That are intuitive and just allow them to be and don't judge anything they say. That's the big thing. Understanding without judgment is my motto as a muse. Because you walk in with judgment, people will shut down a m the first judgmental thing you say will blow up a safe space. And that's the real key. It's like creating having a conversation where you're not judgmental at all, because the rest of the world is so judgmental that just not judging people puts them. It can be like, wow, you're really nice. Simply because you haven't insulted me yet. It's that easy. It can be that easy.

SPEAKER_01 44:37

And what's amazing is you allowing this for a client or a potential client, you are giving them the permission to do the same thing for somebody else. That ripple.

SPEAKER_00 44:50

Slowly you see, because once they see that someone can be non-judgmental, it's that's the thing. It's like a lot of times humans don't believe something until they see it. Until they see with their own eyes, they don't believe things are possible. And that's tricky to deal with.

SPEAKER_01 45:05

We're being shown an example and being told something different for a lot of our lives. So what else do you want to share to help this episode feel like it's closer to completion for those that are l listening along?

SPEAKER_00 45:21

Oh. I think if you're listening, just giving yourself a chance. Like the biggest thing is like, yeah, listen to who you are, listen to what you want to be. Listen to yourself a little bit more. Because that's where it all starts. It's it all starts just listening to both your body and your mind. Because those are two different things. You're almost like it's almost like a brain running a mech suit where they don't always agree, and like that's where you have so many issues, but yeah, give yourself a chance to be the best you can be.

SPEAKER_01 45:51

And that's what I try and I love that. And then remind us again where to find you.

SPEAKER_00 45:57

Muse Your Life Coach, Muse Your Life Coaching. I'm Muse Your Life Coach on Instagram, Muse Your Life Coaching uh and uh board the barstool theories.com as both of those will lead to me. Oh yes.

SPEAKER_01 46:09

Thank you. This has been amazing. I was going to get some work done right after this, but I think I just need to marinate in this because there were so many things that formed connections for me that I've never had before that were I definitely want to make sure I'm absorbing this a little bit more. I hope everybody else is. And please, if you want to further this community, share this with others. There are so many people who feel like they're not seen by themselves, let alone anybody else. They don't feel like they're safe because they don't feel seen, they don't feel heard, they don't understand themselves, they are disconnected from their inner child. They don't have that connection between their thinking and their body, which is a big deal.

SPEAKER_02 46:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:59

We are taught to conform so much that we lose huge pieces of ourselves. And that is the biggest kill joy right there. If you are struggling with that or you know anybody who is, please share this along the way. If you're struggling, share it because then you'll have somebody else who can help you. And then also reach out, amuse your life coaching. Reach out to him. He is happy to set up a session with you and to help you along the way. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope that you found the answers that you needed and you had some amazing aha moments. Please share this episode with others because it helps us align ourselves and then better align the world so that we can seek the healing that we really are looking for. As part of the legal language, I am a certified life coach with a bachelor's in applied health. That is what I am leaning on for this. This is general advice taken as such. See you in the next episode.